When you’re the one who loves less, you feel like you don’t deserve all of the attention and affection you’re getting. You feel guilty every time you get a tender kiss against your forehead or a genuine I love you, because you know it doesn’t mean as much to you as it should.
When you’re the one who loves less, you feel like shit for the thoughts that run through your head.
You can’t even complain to your friends about your ‘problems,’ because they’ll judge you. They’ll tell you how happy you should be to have a boyfriend who cares. They’ll remind you how hard it is to find a guy as great as yours. They’ll get frustrated with you for complaining about the one thing they wish they had themselves.
When you’re the one who loves less, you wonder if there’s something wrong with you. If your standards are too high. If your goals are unrealistic. If you’re searching for something that doesn’t actually exist.
When you’re the one who loves less, you hesitate to make big moves like meeting their parents or moving in together. They are ready to move faster than you’re comfortable with going. They are more confident in your relationship than you have ever been.
When you’re the one who loves less, the idea of commitment gets you nervous. You don’t want to talk about the future, you don’t want to plan out a wedding and discuss vacation plans, because they are imagining a life with you always in it and you’re not actually sure if they’re permanent. You’re not actually sure if you want them around for much longer.
When you’re the one who loves less, nothing you do ever feels right. If you tell them you’re too busy to see them, you feel guilty because they’re treating you so well and honestly deserve better. But if you tell them you’re excited to see them, you feel guilty because it’s like you’re leading them on, like you’re only going through the motions and saying what you’re supposed to say. No matter what you do, you feel like you’re doing the wrong thing.
When you’re the one who loves less, you wish the other person would see you for who you really are. You wish they would stop putting you on a pedestal, ignoring your faults, forgiving you for every mistake you make. You wish they would recognize how flawed the relationship really is, so that hurting them wouldn’t be so hard.
When you’re the one who loves less, you know you have to end the relationship, but you have no idea how to go through with it. You don’t know how to tell this perfect person that they’re still not good enough for you. That, even though they’re smart and sweet and sentimental, they aren’t what you want.
How can you explain your logic to them? You can’t — because it’s hard to even explain it to yourself.
When you’re the one who loves less, you have to break a heart. You have to hurt someone you never wanted to hurt. You have to do what’s best for yourself.