If I Am Worried You Will Cheat, Then I Can’t Date You

Twenty20 / kayschris

I’m done with you because I’ve become the kind of person I never wanted to be. The kind of person who snoops through text messages. The kind of person who accuses her boyfriend of cheating every time he comes home late or tells a sketchy story.

I’m done with you because even our best days end with our worst nights. We yell at each other more than we kiss each other. The highs we have aren’t able to make up for the lows.

I’m done with you because the texts we send have stopped being flirty and have become whiny, nasty, passive aggressive. We’re always looking for a reason to be mad at each other, to restart a fight that should’ve been finished weeks ago.

I’m done with you because it makes me sick to wonder where you are and who you could be with when you don’t answer my texts. When you get drunk with friends who are known cheaters and leave my messages unanswered.

I’m done with you because I put all of my trust in you before and you made me regret it. You showed me what kind of person you really were. You proved that I had a reason to worry.

And I worry all the damn time. When it takes you a little longer than usual to get back from work. When you get a random text in the middle of the afternoon. When you talk about some girl I’ve never met before.

I’m done with you because I can’t stop looking for signs that you’ve been cheating. For a stray lipstick in your glove compartment. For pink marks on your collar. For a text on your phone with a strange name attached.

I’m done with you because our relationship causes extreme paranoia. I can’t trust you. I never believe you. I doubt every word that comes out of your mouth. I question every answer and examine every timeline you give me.

This isn’t going to work between us, because I can’t date someone that I can’t trust.

I can’t date someone who stares at every stranger in tight yoga pants.

I can’t date someone who ‘harmlessly’ flirts with other girls at work.

I can’t date someone who leaves extra large tips for the prettiest waitresses.

I can’t date someone who makes me feel ugly. Like I’m not good enough. Like I’ll never be good enough.

I can’t date someone who makes me doubt my beauty. Who makes me wish that I had bigger breasts, a smaller waist, a more exciting personality. I can’t date someone who makes me question every aspect of my inner and outer self.

That’s why I’m done with you. Because I deserve to be happy — and somewhere along the line, you stopped being the one to make that happen.

I just don’t want to get hurt again.

I don’t want to be with someone who I can imagine kissing someone else. I don’t want to be with someone who I doubt, even when he swears he’s telling the truth.

I don’t want to be with someone I can’t trust. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.

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