You were never my official boyfriend. I was never your official girlfriend. But we did everything that couples do.

We texted nonstop, from the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep. You told me how much you missed me when I wasn’t around and you actually planned out days to see me in person. You actually made an effort to involve me in your life.

I met your friends, I met your parents, I met your pets. I met everyone that mattered to you and they must have known there was something between us. You weren’t shy about holding me close in front of them. You made it clear that we were an item.

And when we hung out on our own, we acted like any couple would act. We sat close, so close that our arms and legs were touching. You wrapped your arms around my shoulders. I leaned my head against your chest.

We hugged. We cuddled. We kissed.

We told each other secrets and talked about our pasts. We opened up to each other in a way that I would never open up to someone else.

Whenever I needed you, you were there for me. You answered my texts without waiting too long. You showed up without cancelling at the last second. You treated me like you actually cared.

That’s why I always thought that we were going to end up dating. That we were eventually going to stop being casual and start being official. That all of those stories I’d heard about almost relationships didn’t apply to me.

But I was wrong. You never wanted me the way I wanted you. I was too busy waiting for us to take the next step to realize that you already had everything you wanted from me.

We did everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do — except commit. That was the only difference between being a couple and being whatever the hell we were.

I guess you wanted to keep your options open in case another girl came along. Or maybe you already had other people in your life. Maybe there are a few other girls out there that feel the same way as I do, like you were basically our boyfriend without the label.

But I don’t care if we didn’t officially date, if we never told anyone about our relationship on Facebook or agreed to go steady. I’m still going to call you my ex and I’m not going to feel weird about how deeply my heart is cracked, because we came as close to dating as two people could get.

You were basically my boyfriend. You just didn’t want to call me your girlfriend.

Holly Riordan is the author of
Severe(d), A Creepy Poetry Collection.
Pre-order your copy here.