She hooked up with you, because she thought that it would change things.
She knows it’s stupid, but she thought that after you kissed her, after you saw her naked, after you realized how much chemistry you two had, you would decide that you wanted to be with her.
She hoped you would realize she’s worth more than a booty call and deserves to be your actual girlfriend.
She thought that maybe, just maybe, you would turn out to be a decent guy. The kind that doesn’t see girls as one-night stands. The kind that dates anyone he lets into his bed.
Of course, she also hooked up with you for selfish reasons. She’s dreamed about your lips so many times, dreamed about what it would feel like to have your hips pressed against hers, and she wanted those fantasies to become her reality.
So she lied to herself, pretending that she’d be fine if one night was all that she got from you. That it was better to be your hookup than to mean nothing at all to you.
Besides, she didn’t want you to lose interest in her. She didn’t want to turn down your advances and have you think that she wasn’t interested in you at all — when really, the only thing she didn’t want was for you to use her for sex.
So she just let it happen. She acted like a cool girl. She pretended that she was fine with whatever you wanted and she held herself back from asking about labels.
She’s not an idiot. She knew what she was getting herself into. That by hooking up with you, she was only going to fall for you harder.
But she took that risk, because she believed you were worth it. She hoped that you would be worth it.
Of course, now she wonders if hooking up with you was a mistake. Because now you think that she’s the kind of girl who can sleep with someone without developing stronger feelings. You think that she’s on the same page as you. That she’s comfortable with the situation.
And if she tells you that you’re wrong, if she admits that she has feelings for you, she could ruin everything. She’ll no longer get to feel your lips. She’ll never get another text from you. She’ll push you away with her honesty.
She feels like the only option she has is to continue playing pretend, to keep casually hooking up with you and hope that you eventually change your mind about dating her once you get to know her better.
But she knows that’s wrong. She shouldn’t have to lie to get someone. She shouldn’t have to put herself into an uncomfortable situation.
Honestly, she doesn’t know what to do anymore, because she isn’t okay with keeping things casual. She isn’t okay with being your almost, your sometimes.
But she doesn’t know how to change the situation, how to make it better.
She doesn’t know if she’ll ever truly be yours.