I’m tired of glancing at my notifications and hoping your name pops up.
I’m tired of scrolling down social media, looking for your face.
I’m tired of thinking about you every time a friend mentions her boyfriend, every time my mind drifts off during work, every time I see a kiss on a movie screen.
I’m tired of falling asleep to dreams of us dating. I’m tired of waking up, reaching for you when you’re never there.
I’m tired of looking into strangers’ cars and staring at doors, wondering if you’re going to magically appear and make everything feel okay again.
I’m tired of watching for you. I’m tired of hoping for you.
I don’t want to think about you anymore. I want to wipe you out of my thoughts in the same way you wiped me out of your life. I want to move on, because it’s clear that you already have.
It’s time for me to forget about you and how much you meant to me. But I’m having trouble. So much trouble.
I hate that I still hear your voice in my head, as if it’s only been a few hours since we’ve seen each other. I hate that I can still picture your face clearly, even though you probably look different now. I hate that I still listen to your favorite songs and wonder if you’re doing the same.
I hate how much of a hold you have over me, even though you’re gone, even though it’s been ages since we’ve actually spoken.
I’ve tried everything to get you out of my mind. I’ve kept myself busy. I’ve gone out with friends. I’ve flirted with other boys. I’ve drowned myself in my work.
But nothing seems to work. When I’m out with my friends, they mention their boyfriends, which reminds me of you.
When I flirt with other boys, you leave my mind temporarily, until I find myself comparing them to you.
And when there’s a lull at work, I’m reminded that I have no one to text about how busy I’ve been. I’m reminded that you used to be the person that filled the gaps during my day.
I can get you out of my mind for an hour or two at most, but you always end up popping back into my thoughts. You torture me with your absence.
To be honest, I used to enjoy replaying our memories in my head. I used to be comforted by the daydreams of us getting together and living happily ever after.
But now, those kind of thoughts only bring me pain, because I know they’re nothing but fantasies. They’re never going to turn into our reality.
So I don’t want to think about you anymore. I don’t want to think about the what ifs. I don’t want to think about everything I’m missing out on.
I’m tired of thinking about you. I wish you would leave my head. Because, deep down, I know I can find happiness without you, but my heart hasn’t realized that yet.