I wish that I could always say the right thing. That I could tell the joke that everybody laughs at and wear the outfit that everyone compliments. I wish I could be the person that everyone wants to be friends with, that everyone secretly daydreams about dating.
The only problem is that I have no idea how to make that happen. Most of the time, I lock myself up in my room, far away from the rest of the world. And when I actually leave the house, I feel out of place, awkward, like no one wants me around.
I suck at small talk, because I’m painfully awkward. I’ll either say too much and come on too strong — or I’ll say too little and then the conversation will fade away and the stranger will walk away.
I’m the type of person that gets talked over during conversations. The type of person that ends up walking on the grass or behind the rest of my friends, because there’s not enough room on the sidewalk for all of us. I’m the type of person that seems invisible.
Sometimes, I give out so many compliments and forced laughs that people accuse me of trying too hard, of being too fake. Other times, I try so hard to look like I don’t care that they assume I’m an asshole and want nothing to do with me.
I can never find the right balance. And I can’t just be myself, because as soon as I get too comfortable with someone, I start acting weird and drive them away.
I struggle to belong, because I never know the right words to use. Can I make that joke yet or is it inappropriate at this stage in our friendship? If I text that message, will they understand that it’s sarcasm or think I’m serious? I’m always second-guessing my sentences, trying to make them sound just right.
And if someone takes too long to text back or stops answering me completely, I spend days thinking about how I blew it. How I sounded like a complete idiot. How I’m going to be alone forever, because I don’t have what it takes to keep people around.
Even when I have a nice chat with someone, when we click from our first conversation, I don’t know how to take it to the next step. Do I ask for their number? Do I try to make plans to hang out on the weekend? Or do I just hope that I’ll run into them again one day so we can pick up where we left off?
I don’t want to mess things up, to sound too eager, so I end up saying goodbye and never seeing them again, ruining the relationship before it even begins.
I desperately want to find love — or at least a few more friends. But it seems like an impossible task when the idea of holding a conversation makes me shiver. When I have trouble responding to a simple what’s up?
I seriously suck in social situations. And that makes me feel like I suck at life.