I’m not supposed to be tempted to text you. I shouldn’t be writing out elaborately long messages and then deleting them when my common sense kicks in.
I’m not supposed to wonder whether you’re in bed at the same time as me. Or to imagine what we’d be doing if we were sharing the sheets. What position we’d be in. If my back would be pressed against your chest. Or if our stomachs would be pressed together, then our foreheads, then our lips.
I’m not supposed to daydream about what would happen if I ran into you again. To imagine what you’d say to me and how your cologne would smell as you hugged me and how much lust would shine through your brilliantly blue eyes.
I’m not supposed to miss someone that treated me so sloppily. Someone that spontaneously chose whether or not I was going to be given attention on any given day. Someone that made my stomach twist one second and my eyes tear the next.
You don’t deserve a place in my life. You don’t even deserve a place in my thoughts.
Missing you is senseless, because there are gaps in my memory. Whenever I think of you, I think of the times you held my hand as you showed me through your house. I think of how you sat me on your bed and let me listen as your fingers strummed the guitar. I think of how those same fingers ran through my hair and rested on my thighs.
But I shouldn’t miss someone like you, even though we shared a scattering of sweet moments. Because there were even more shitty moments. For every good memory, there are a dozen bad.
For every time you made me smile with a compliment or a well-timed kiss, there are a million times when I was forced to decipher mixed signals. Watch you flirt with other women. Wonder if you wanted to date me or if I was just some twisted form of entertainment for you.
If my head ruled over my heart, then I wouldn’t miss you. Not for a night. Not for a second. Unfortunately, I’m a servant to my soul. To my feelings. To my fucked up, irrational feelings.
I’m smart enough to realize that I shouldn’t miss you. But I’m stupid enough that I do.