I Have Absolutely No Self-Control When It Comes To You

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Don’t text him. Don’t text him. Don’t text him. I repeat it like a mantra, occasionally throwing reasons in there. If you do it, he’ll think you’re desperate. If you do it, he’ll call you clingy. If you do it, he’ll lose interest in you.

But, no matter how many days I manage to last without texting you, I always crack. Maybe I drank a little and let my willpower slip away. Maybe I saw something that reminded me of you and couldn’t shake the urge to let you back in my life. There’s always something that drags me back to you. I can never resist–not for long.

It’s not always texting, though. I might be able to hold myself back from finding you on my contact list, but it doesn’t matter, because I’ll end up liking one of your statuses or commenting on a picture or watching one of your Snapchat stories. That small, seemingly meaningless gesture lets you know I’m thinking of you. It gives my feelings away.

And if I end up checking your Facebook or Instagram, it isn’t a temporary lapse in judgement. It lasts a while, because I can’t look at just one photo. I have to look at them all. To see you from as many angles as I can, to witness as many smiles as I can. And if I stumble across a photo of you with another girl, I’ll search through her photos, too. Try to figure out what she means to you. If she means more to you than I do. Or if she’s sitting in the same position as me, freaking out when she finds a photo of me.

I’ve tried to stop myself from caring about you, but I lose my self-control whenever I see your picture or hear your name or conjure up a memory of us. All I want is to see you. To touch you. To kiss you.

And, even after everything we’ve been though, after the shitty way that you’ve treated me, I know I would give you that kiss if I saw you again. No amount of reason would be able to hold me back. I’m not usually the girl to make the first move, but with you, I would. I would, because I wouldn’t want the moment to slip away. I wouldn’t want to miss out on my opportunity.

Even though we haven’t seen each other in a while, it feels like it hasn’t been long, because my thoughts are always centered on you. I tell myself not to mention you to my friends for the thousandth time. I tell myself not to replay our happiest memories when I’m bored. I tell myself not to touch myself while thinking of you. But I do it anyway. I do it, because you’re the only thing that I want.

I hope that you want me, too. That you’re sitting at home, phone in hand, praying that I’ll go through with sending a text so you don’t have to do it yourself. I hope that you’ve been thinking of me as much as I’ve been thinking of you. I hope that one day, you’ll be more than just a temptation. That you’ll finally be mine. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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