I’m more of a skeptic than a romantic. I pay more attention to the way my friends wilt and wither when their relationships end than the way they blossom and bloom when they begin. I can’t even begin to count the number of failed relationships I’ve seen, but I have trouble naming a single one that has lasted.
I never planned on falling in love. I never planned on sticking with one person, on giving them the ability to hurt me in the worst way imaginable. In fact, I banked on the opposite. I planned on living alone, taking care of my own apartment, and relying completely on myself. I planned on avoiding the puppy-love path that way too many people follow.
But then I met you.
I don’t think you realize how terrified I am of relationships, because of how comfortable I am with you. It’s rare for me to freak out after one of our fights when you’re always there to calm me down. It’s rare for me to rant about how commitment is a lie when I’ve found someone I can imagine spending forever with.
But, the truth is, I’m still scared. Even though I know you’re the right one for me, even though I know that you would never do anything to hurt me, I’m still worried that it’s going to happen.
It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do trust you. You haven’t done anything to make me doubt you. Cynicism and skepticism are just in my nature. It’s the way I’ve been conditioned. After twenty plus years of believing that every man I meet will eventually cheat on me or leave me or screw me over in some other cruel and unusual way, it’s hard to get used to my new way of thinking. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I’m in the type of relationship I always thought was a lie. One where we can actually trust each other.
So please don’t get offended when I freak out over how serious our relationship is getting or when I tell you how long I want to wait until I marry you. I love you. I want you and only you. I just need some more time to get used to us. I need some more time to convince myself that what we have isn’t an illusion. That it’s concrete. That it’s real. That it isn’t going to end.
I need you to realize that the fact that someone like me, someone who is petrified of getting hurt, is pushing her fears aside to spend forever with you is a huge compliment. I’m letting go of everything I once believed about men, marriage, and monogamy. I’m letting go of all my worries to make room for our love.
I’m still terrified of all of the things you could do to me, of all of the ways our relationship could crumble, but I still want to spend forever with you. I love you, so I’m willing to risk it all.