1. Your partner is always the one on top.
2. While they’re on top, you don’t really kiss or nibble or scratch them. You just kind of sit there.
3. When you’re in the mood, you say something like, “Let’s have sex,” instead of actually putting in the effort to seduce them.
4. They go down on you, but you never go down on them.
5. On the rare occasions when you do go down on them, it’s only for a few minutes. As soon as you get a hand cramp or a jaw ache, you stop yourself, even if they aren’t finished yet.
6. You send them dirty sexts throughout the day, but you never follow through on the NSFW things you claimed you were going to do.
7. Nudes are completely out of the question, because they would require you to shave, find something sexy to wear, and waste an hour snapping photos until you captured the perfect one.
8. Lingerie sounds like a nightmare to you. You don’t see the point in spending money on a skimpy piece of fabric that’s going to be removed after five seconds of staring.
9. If your partner takes longer than ten minutes to orgasm, you get pissed off. What, are you not sexy enough for them anymore?
1o. You never talk dirty. You don’t know what to say, so you don’t even try.
11. You act like your partner owes you something whenever you go down on them or sleep with them, because it feels like a chore to you.
12. You never initiate sex. If your partner doesn’t take the lead, then you just don’t have sex that night.
13. You complain whenever your partner asks you to get on top or go down on them or do anything that requires even minimal effort.
14. Even though you expect your partner to keep things tidy below the belt, you don’t bother to do the same.
15. You hate doing it in the kitchen or in the shower, because it requires standing. You only like doing it in the comfort of your own bed.
16. You never go down on them during your period. If you aren’t going to orgasm, why should they?
17. Sex is over as soon as you’re finished. If your partner is still horny, they have a perfectly good hand to finish themselves off with. In the meantime, you’re going to flip onto your side of the bed and drift off to sleep.
18. There’s only one position you like, and it doesn’t involve lifting up your legs or raising your hips or moving your body in any way.
19. You’ve actually fallen asleep during sex, at least once.
20. You don’t mind catching your partner watching porn. In fact, you’d rather have them masturbate to a video than beg you for sex.
21. You risk having sex without protection whenever you run out of condoms, because you hate walking up to the cashier and buying them.
22. You expect your partner to bend over backwards to please you, but would be offended if they expected the same from you.