1. They don’t make any noise. At all. You never hear them moan or whimper or curse.
2. You catch them glancing at the clock or at their phone. If they’re counting down the seconds until sex is over, then they clearly aren’t enjoying themselves.
3. They never initiate sex. They only sleep with you after you encourage them to sleep with you.
4. You catch them faking it. If the sex was good, there would be no reason for them to pretend to orgasm.
5. You force your partner to do all the work instead of putting in your fair share. If they’re always the one on top, they’re going to start to get irritated.
6. You refuse to branch out. You always have sex in the same positions at the same time in the same place. There’s zero variety.
7. They never talk to you after it’s all over. They don’t compliment you on how amazing sex was, because it wasn’t great at all.
8. They end up finishing themselves off. If their hands are better at making them orgasm than your genitals are, then there’s a serious problem.
9. Sex is always over in under five minutes. It’s hard to satisfy someone when you only have a few seconds to perform.
10. You’re selfish. If the only orgasm you care about is your own orgasm, then your partner probably isn’t all that happy with you.
11. You’re super self-conscious. Everyone has problems with the way that they look, but you shouldn’t keep half of your clothes on and the lights off. Otherwise, your partner won’t get to experience your body in the way that they want to.
12. They act distant as soon as sex ends. If this happens, then they might be annoyed that you climaxed while they were left out in the cold.
13. They constantly give you instructions. They don’t trust your judgement, which is why they have to tell you exactly how to move your tongue and how much pressure to apply.
14. You have no idea what they like. If you can’t figure out what makes them tick, how the hell are you going to make them cum?
15. You never sit back and enjoy the moment. You’re always worried about whether your voices are loud enough for the neighbors to hear or if you’re going to be done in time to watch Big Brother.
16. They don’t seem as interested in sex as they used to. Sometimes, they even turn down your advances when you climb on top of them and start kissing, because they don’t think that sex is worth it anymore.
17. You actually believe the lies pornos tell you. Guess what? Most girls don’t want to be choked and called a dirty little slut. And if you’re going to finger a girl, you better cut your nails. Don’t look to porn for sex advice, because it’s not going to give it to you straight.
18. They never actually orgasm. It doesn’t matter if your partner is a woman with an extremely low libido. If you put in enough time and effort, you can make her cum.