Aries: March 21st – April 19th
After you’ve had a few drinks, some crazy shit will come out of your mouth. You’ll make big plans, plans that you’ll never follow up on. You’ll talk about how badly you want to climb Mount Everest and how you’re going to skinny dip in the nearest river. You’ll even text some of your old friends and make plans to see them the next day. But when morning comes and you sober up, you’ll wish you’d never contacted them.
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
You’re the type to get drunk and get into a pointless argument with your buddies. It’s nothing major, like who should become our next president. It’s stupid stuff, like if cheese tastes better with crackers or with pretzels. You’re stubborn, so you’re not going to abandon the argument. You’ll fight tooth and nail until everyone else admits that you were right all along.
Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
Alcohol never has the same effect on you. Sometimes, it turns you into a bubbly, social butterfly who floats around the room and jokes around with everybody. Other times, it makes you want to lock yourself away in your room and shut off your phone. You’ve bursted into tears while drunk once or twice, but you’ve also had some of the best nights of your life while drunk. Your reaction to the alcohol depends on the day.
Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
Drinking is all fun and games–until you reach a certain point. Then you get touchy. If someone looks at you a certain way, you’ll start to wonder if they secretly hate you. If someone spills a drink onto your new dress, you’ll act like it’s the end of the world. You get paranoid after having a few too many drinks. Your mind turns into a dark place that you’re actually a little afraid of.
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
When you get wasted, you get even louder and more talkative than usual. You don’t hold back your opinions, no matter how controversial they might be. That’s why you’re used to waking up with a hangover and several friends that are pissed off at you. Of course, they always end up forgiving you, because they know that you weren’t trying to upset them. You were just being brutally, unapologetically “you.”
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
You’re the queen of storytelling. When you get drunk, groups of people will gather around you in order to hear what you have to say (even though your stories are clearly dramatized). Of course, in order to tell stories, you have to create stories. That’s why you’ll do asinine things when you’re drunk, like scream out of windows and hit on strangers, just so you have something to talk about the next time you get wasted.
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
You hate making decisions, even if all you have to do is choose between taking shots of Jameson or grabbing a Bud Light. You also hate paying such high prices for drinks that you gulp down in two seconds. Luckily, your friends usually offer to pick up the tab, because they know you’re going to be the one holding their hair back later on.
Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
When you’re drunk, you become self-destructive. Even though you know better, you’ll pick up your phone and text your ex about how much you miss them–or about what a complete and utter ass they are. Either way, it doesn’t do your reputation any good. It just forces you to relive the past when you should really be enjoying the present.
Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
When you get drunk, everybody assumes that you’re high instead. Why? Because you go on philosophical rants about life, the universe, and everything. You’ll ask questions that no one else would think to ask. Questions about why some coasters are square instead of round. Questions about why clowns always look so sad when they’re meant to act like they’re happy. You won’t settle for casual conversations. You ask the real questions.
Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
You like to flaunt your intelligence. That’s why you’ll have a few drinks and then sit down at the computer to write a screenplay, see how many answers you can get right on Jeopardy, or try to beat a video game you’ve been having trouble with. You want to prove that you’re so smart that you can do what other people can’t, even when you aren’t in your right mind.
Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
Going out to the clubs might sound fun at first, but after you get a few drinks into you, all you’ll want to do is go back home and flop onto the couch. The thought of mingling with strangers while alcohol is swimming through your stomach makes you sick. You just want to recline your feet and watch Netflix with a bag of chips on your chest. Drinking isn’t time for socializing. It’s time for relaxing.
Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
You go with the flow, even when you’re sober. So once you get a few drinks into your system, your friends can convince you to do pretty much anything. It doesn’t matter if they say they want to sing Karaoke up on stage or if they say they want to slash their ex’s tires, because you’ll tell them that it sounds like a great idea. You’re up for anything, and sometimes, that spontaneous mindset gets you into trouble.