1. When I come home from work, the dog is going to get smothered in kisses before you even get a hello.
2. Never claim that another dog is the cutest dog ever when my dog is within earshot.
3. If the dog is in the room, then we won’t be having sex in the room. His innocent eyes must be shielded from our X-rated antics.
4. On your birthday, you shouldn’t be surprised when the dog’s name is written at the bottom of your card.
5. And you shouldn’t be surprised when the dog celebrates his own birthday every year.
6. Don’t freak out if you get dog hair on your new outfit. Dog hair is going to get on all of your outfits.
7. You can’t get jealous over the fact that I spend more time snuggling with the dog than with you.
8. You can’t be too mean to the dog, even when he rips apart our new couch, because he’s a gentle soul and I’ll be pissed if you make him cry.
9. If I call you and ask you to put the dog on the phone, I’m not kidding.
10. Even if you’re not a dog person, you should learn what dogs can and cannot eat, because I’ll freak the fuck out if you feed him a grape and he gets sick.
11. Videotape the cute things the dog does when I’m not home, so I have something to look forward to when I get back.
12. And post pictures of the dog on Instagram, so I know that you secretly love him as much as I do, even if you always complain about him.
13. If I have to choose between you or the dog, you’re going to be severely disappointed.
14. You shouldn’t get weirded out when I refer to the dog as my baby. Or when I refer to you as their mommy or daddy.
15. If you have pets of your own, then they must be dog-friendly. Otherwise, we’re never going to be able to live together.
16. Never try to convince me that cats are better than dogs.
17. Let the dog lick you every once in a while, just because it makes him (and I) happy.
18. Don’t torture the dog by showing him videos of squirrels or by playing high pitched sounds that hurt his ears.
19. If the dog decides to climb into our bed and spend the night with us, you shouldn’t move around and disturb him from his peaceful sleep.
20. When we go on vacation, understand that it’ll be bittersweet for me, because the last thing I want to do is leave my furry friend behind.
21. Don’t make fun of me when I talk to the dog like a baby or when I call him by some ridiculous nickname.
22. Let the dog sit in the bathroom with you, so he doesn’t cry outside the door.
23. Get used to picking up the dog’s poo, because you can’t just leave it on the ground during walks.
24. When the dog performs a trick for you, act like it’s the greatest thing you’ve ever seen and reward him with a treat.
25. But don’t feed the dog scraps from the dinner table, even if he’s begging.
26. When the dog is whining in his sleep, clearly having a nightmare, pet him and coo into his ear until he wakes up.
27. When the dog goes to get his shots or to have his nails clipped, come with me so I don’t have to deal with all the stress alone.
28. And when I have to feed the dog pills, help me sneak them into his food.
29. Start referring to the dog as “ours,” because you genuinly want to help take care of him.
30. Love my dog as much as much as you love me.