Orange is the New Black has just returned, which means it’s time to turn off your phone notifications and spend thirteen hours alone with Netflix. Even if you haven’t started season four yet, you probably have a favorite cast member by now. Well, here’s what the inmate you relate to the most says about your sex life:
You’re open with your sexuality, so you don’t get why everyone squirms when the word “clitoris” is mentioned in conversation. You like talking about sex and you like having sex. It’s natural, and no one could ever make you feel ashamed for how high your number is. The more you orgasm, the easier it is for you to make it through this shitty world.
You’re sick and tired of all of the asshole guys out there who think they can use you for sex, even if it means scarring you for life. You’ve been with one too many men that have made you feel worthless, and that’s not okay. Not anymore. You only want to sleep with genuine gentlemen from now on.
You’re not the type to engage in meaningless sex. You only sleep with men and women you have a real connection with. You’re looking for true love, so in your eyes, the best sex involves someone that will put a ring on your finger. Of course, you’re a pretty big fan of phone sex, too.
You like bad boys. Boys with muscles and sketchy pasts. So when a guy who seems like a piece of shit to everyone else ends up treating you like a princess, then you can’t help but fall for him. You won’t even wait for him to initiate the first move. You’ll do that yourself. You always go after what you want.
Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren
You’re a virgin, or close to it. However, you’ve daydreamed about having sex for years and can write erotic fanfiction that makes 50 Shades of Grey look like a children’s book. You just haven’t had any actual experience in the bedroom. Of course, you’re trying your best to change that.
You love the reaction you get when you give someone you love an orgasm. It doesn’t even matter if your partner returns the favor. You’ll never pressure them to do anything they don’t want to do. You just want them to be comfortable.
Sometimes, you enjoy sex when it’s slow and tender. Sometimes, you enjoy sex when it’s rough and rushed. Really, it depends on the day. If you’re in a good mood, you’ll have sex to keep your spirits high. If you’re in a bad mood, you’ll have sex to forget about all of your bullshit problems. It’s the perfect escape.
You love the illusion of control, which is why you enjoy sex that involves hair pulling and biting and spanking. Even though you look sugary sweet on the outside, you’re actually kinky as fuck on the inside. The angrier the sex is, the faster you’ll come.
You don’t believe in monogamy. You don’t see any reason why you should limit yourself to one person when there are so many other sexy singles out there. That’s why threesomes are your guilty pleasure.
You aren’t embarrassed about your body, even if there’s hair in places everyone claims there shouldn’t be hair. You’re so comfortable with your sexuality that you’ll do it in public if you have to. In fact, you’ll probably choose to do it in public, because you like to challenge others and try things that are taboo.
You prefer receiving over giving, but who could blame you? A wet tongue against your clit feels absolutely amazing. That’s why you find it hard to keep your mouth closed. When you have an orgasm, everyone within a ten mile radius will hear your moans. You’re a very vocal lover.
You want your partner to have the best sex of their life, every single time you slip between the sheets. That’s why you’ll incorporate sex toys into the experience to make it as pleasurable as possible. Of course, you’ll also ask your partner to get on top, because you deserve a little eye candy. Why should you be the one to do all the work?
You always look your best, inside and outside of the bedroom. As long as your partner doesn’t pull on your hair and mess up the style you worked on all morning, then there shouldn’t be a problem. After all, you’re skilled with your hands, so it won’t take long for you to get someone off.
When you’re with your partner, you’re the one in charge. If they don’t go down on you often enough, you’ll bitch at them about it. You’re a sexy woman who deserves all-star treatment. You won’t accept any less than that.
You like to make people laugh, even in the bedroom. If your partner does something embarrassing like accidentally punch you in the tit, you’ll make a joke out of it in order to calm them down. You definitely think sex means something, but you don’t think it should be taken too seriously. It’s meant to be fun.
You’re used to being the sexiest woman in the room, and you get turned on by all the attention. That’s why you love going the extra mile by wearing lingerie and getting on top. You don’t mind wearing costumes either, because you’re a pro when it comes to roleplaying. You’re the best actress you know.
You’re quiet as a mouse during sex, so it doesn’t matter where you do it. In a library? In a church? Who cares? You’ll never get caught, because you know how to keep your sex life a secret.
Everyone underestimates you, because you’re smarter than you look. You’re capable of coming up with creative ideas to keep the sex steamy and you’re able to turn others on with your dirty talk alone. You have a way with words.
You aren’t all that picky about where you have sex. If you have to do it in the broom closet, you’ll do it in the broom closet. However, you are picky about who you have sex with. Even though you’re open to the idea of having meaningless sex, it’s not something you enjoy. You’d rather get naked with the love of your life.
You’re not the type to have sex in public. You’d be way too paranoid about someone watching you. You have to have sex in the privacy of your own home, in a place where you feel completely safe. Otherwise, you wouldn’t enjoy the experience at all.
You like to act like you’re conservative, but you have a kinky side. If someone presses the right buttons, then you’ll do things so dirty that you’ll regret them in the morning.
You never hesitate to speak your mind. If you want your partner to go down on you, you’ll ask them to go down on you. If you want them to bend you over a bed, you’ll ask them to bend you over a bed. You don’t drop subtle hints. You just say what you mean.
You know what’s even better than an orgasm? Dinner. You’d rather make someone moan by feeding them a delicious meal than by going down on them. Of course, if you’re going to have sex, you might as well incorporate your leftover whipped cream into the action.