My Feelings For You Are Fucking Up My Life

Sarah Loven
Sarah Loven

I don’t want to fantasize about you as soon as my head hits the pillow, but I do. I don’t want to feel my heart beat faster whenever I hear your voice, but I do. I don’t want to love you, but I do. It’s safe to say that my feelings for you are fucking up my life.

I’m supposed to keep my options open.

I’ve actually turned down decent guys that have expressed interest in me, because I’m still hung up on you. Why the hell am I letting that happen? I know that our relationship, or whatever you want to call it, is never going to work out. I should move on. I should let other men into my life and into my heart. But that’s not happening, because I’m unreasonably attracted to you. You’re the last thing I need, but you’re the only thing I want.

I’m supposed to have high standards.

I know I’m a catch. I know I deserve to find a man who will value me and cherish me until death do we part. But for some bullshit reason, I like an asshole like you instead. It doesn’t matter that you refuse to answer my texts or that you’ve been flirting with other girls. I usually wouldn’t fall for such a massive scumbag, but you’re the exception. I really wish you weren’t.

I’m supposed to be an independent woman.

I don’t need a man in order to be happy. I know that. So why am I so focused on making you mine? You’re not going to make my life complete. You’re not going to give me a reason to get up in the morning. You’re just a guy. A pretty disrespectful guy for that matter. I don’t want to keep wasting my time daydreaming about how happy we’d be on our imaginary wedding day when I should be learning how to be happy without you.

I’m supposed to put my career above my love life.

I’m trying my best to make it in this cutthroat world. To get rid of the student loans that I’ve accumulated over the past four years. To make a career out of my passions. But you’re making it hard for me to put my full focus on my work. Whenever I’m sitting at my desk, trying to cross items off of my to-do list, you’ll pop into my mind and then I’ll be distracted for the rest of the day. I can deal with getting my heart broken by you, but I won’t allow you to ruin my career. That’s just not happening.

I’m supposed to love myself.

I usually look in the mirror and like what I see. However, it’s hard to love myself when I’m busy focusing on earning love from you. Everyone has different tastes, so it shouldn’t matter how you feel about me, but for some reason it does. I’m dying to know why you aren’t as crazy about me as I am about you. Is there something wrong with me? Is it my personality? Or are my boobs not big enough for your taste? You’re making me doubt everything I used to love about myself. Fuck you for that, and for everything else. TC mark

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