I’m Terrified I’m Going To Fuck This Up And Lose You Forever

EmoLabs, Tony Ciampa
EmoLabs, Tony Ciampa

I’m not worried about you cheating on me or leaving me for someone prettier. I know you wouldn’t do that. If anything goes wrong with our relationship, it’s going to be my fault. That’s why I’m terrified I’m going to fuck this up and lose you forever.

I’m not used to serious relationships. 

I’m used to men flirting with me for months over the phone, and then ghosting me without giving me a reason why. I’m used to going out on a few dates, finding a red flag that’s impossible to ignore, and then moving on to the next guy. I’m used to immense disappointment and pushing people away. I’m not used to boys like you. You’re the type of guy I want to keep around and honestly, I have no fucking idea how to make that happen.

The couples around me are bad influences.

I don’t want to be the couple who vows to spend the rest of their life together, only to get divorced the next year. But I don’t want to be the couple who feels obliged to stay together, even though they’ve grown to hate each other, either. I want the endangered type of marriage that I’ve never actually seen. One that’s so packed with love and lust that there’s no room for resentment.

I have insecurities that mess with my mind.

If the line about needing to love yourself before you can love someone else is true, then I’m screwed. I have a lot of issues with my personality and appearance. I realize I’m far from perfect, and I’m working on improving myself, but I still have my down days. No one wants to be with the girl who refuses to take compliments and has meltdowns for no reason, but that’s me. I don’t want to push you away by acting like a psychopath, but I don’t know how to be sane.

I assumed I’d be alone forever.

I came to terms with being single a long time ago. But now that I’ve found you, someone I intend on keeping around, I have to change my plans for the future. I’ve never actually thought about moving in with a man or having children or getting married. Those are all “adult” things that I’m way too immature to handle. I know I’m fun to sleep with and drink with, but I don’t know if I’m really girlfriend material.

I’m an impulsive person. 

I’ve made mistakes in the past that I’ve learned to accept, but I could never accept losing you. I’m terrified I’m going to spontaneously start a fight with you or break up with you or say something that I can never take back. I’m not sure what I’m capable of, which is why I’m so scared of ruining this amazing thing that we’ve created together.

I like you. A lot.

When I screwed over my exes, I didn’t care, because they didn’t matter all that much to me. They were just around to keep me happy until I found a relationship that was the real deal. But you? I couldn’t stand hurting you. I like you more than I’ve ever liked someone before, which is why I’m getting paranoid. The last thing I want is to mess this up. I want us to stay together forever. TC mark

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