1. The Sorority Girl
Otherwise known as “sorostitute”—she will hold her head up and vodka-water high in the air as she dances to Call Me Maybe. Numerous pictures with her sisters will be taken, while they “throw what they know” and/or gracefully place their hands on their hips and cock their heads to the side. You’ll see flocks of them grouping together in the bathroom, ignoring that it’s the SMALLEST BATHROOM EVER, talking about how waaaasttteddddd they are and whether or not they should “shack” with the hot guy in the red shirt. She probably isn’t as drunk as she claims, and you’ll make comments all night about how annoying she is—but let’s face it—she will probably always look better than you; and she will always have on better shoes. (Until, of course, she drunkenly trips and breaks them and/or pukes all over them.)
Ps: she is always the girl either A. Crying B. Frantically searching for her missing friend or C. All of the above.
2. The Hipster/Non-Conformist
Wearing something you know they bought at Half Moon (but claim he/she bought it at a thrift store), they will waltz up to the bar and order a shot of Jameson or some random craft beer you’ve never heard of. They will also discuss siiiiickkkkk bands you’ve never heard of, exhaust you with stories of their latest music festival adventure, and rave about how annoying it is that *enter bar name here* has been overrun by Greeks. In fact, the Hipster will begin to talk so much shit about the bar you’re in that you’ll find it excruciatingly difficult not to blurt out “THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?!” They will proceed to say they’re about to leave to “grab some grub”—vegan of course—but only after they offer you one of the three M’s: Molly, Mushrooms, or Marijuana. If there’s a jukebox/DJ in sight, they will request a song they are sure no one knows and laugh as their Chaco’d feet exit into the “too mainstream” world. Still, they’ll leave you swearing you’ll start recycling, juicing, or listening to the Smiths.
3. The Frat-Star Bro
Ahhhh, the Frat Star. He will be wearing Southern Proper, PFG, or some type of seer sucker. He will have sunglass lines from his Costas, and he’ll probably have some douche “flow” hairstyle. (I’m sorry….. but what is up with that???) The Frat Star will either leave you stupid-drunk from all the drinks he bought you, or soberly confused over how he is wearing $500 boat shoes and still hasn’t handed over a whiskey sour. He will drown you in compliments and kisses (or ass-grabs if he’s feeling super frisky) but watch as his demeanor changes if he realizes you aren’t going home with him—if you can resist, of course. His conversations you over hear will most definitely be either about the “fag” (I hate that word) he wants to beat up from *enter hated fraternity here* or the girl he is trying to “pound” later (gross). However, no matter how ignorant or obnoxious he is…the Frat Star still exists because most nights he will fist pump and ‘Merica chant his way into your heart (actually, just into your sheets). Don’t worry, he’ll sneak out after you pass out leaving you with lots of shame and the burden of having to pay for your own hangover-breakfast. You’ll swear you’ll never go there again, but you will, my dear, you will. Damn him.
4. The Way-Too-Old-To-Be-Here Guy (WTOTBH)
This one gives me the heeby-geebies just writing it. He’s the guy that’s obviously too old and gross to be in the bar, and you keep scanning the place to figure out who the hell he’s in here with. Is he alone? Is he an undercover cop? Maybe he’s some slutty gold digger’s sugar daddy. Nevertheless, his shirt is too tight giving his Santa belly a peep show, he desperately needs to shave, and he’s slurping down Heineken’s with an urgency that makes you queasy. The WTOTBH guy will awkwardly nod his head to Katy Perry and smile at all the young girls “twerking”. You’ll get creeped out, move to a different part of the bar, and avoid eye contact at all costs. Part of you feels bad for him—maybe he’s new to town and doesn’t know where to go out. Then you get over it and continue to laugh at him with your friends and sarcastically say “I’m going home with him tonight.” You got to hand it to the old geezer though, the fellow sure knows how to blatantly ignore the hatas.
5. The Slop
One of the easiest to spot in a crowd, the slop will start their night yelling “shotttssssss!!!!” Whether they’re throwing back bitch-shots like kamikazes or braving tequila after tequila—they never lack confidence starting off. You may hear their friends warning them to slow down, but don’t be fooled to think they’ll listen; they are faithful to their alcohol. As the night progresses, they start swaying back and forth like a slow-motion bobble head, slurring their words as they swear to their best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, the bartender, and President Obama (all of which are begging to put the Slop in a taxi) that they’re “FINE!…god, ugh, just stop.” They’ll pick fights with anyone who tries to help them and repeat time after time that they “just need water!!!!” You hold tight to their arms while walking to the next bar- praying they don’t puke, trip, or do anything to capture the attention of the nearest 5-0. If they make it to closing time (emphasis on the if), they will order enough drunk food to feed a small village, pass out on somebody’s kitchen floor, and wake up with the remains of chicken nuggets and a sticky-something-they-can’t-identify all in their hair. Only after another 3,000 calories worth of IHOP will they be ready to begin the dreaded quest to find their missing phone, keys, and dignity. Ps: Somewhere throughout the night they have definitely barfed in someone’s purse.
6. The College Athlete
If they aren’t already decked out in your school colors/spirit wear, they’ll be sure to tell you they’re an athlete for the school within the first 5 minutes of talking to you—unless they’re pretty well-known and/or douchey enough to assume you know who they are/god-forbid actually say “You know who I am.” *Eyes currently rolled uncomfortably far back in my head* They will always offer to buy you drinks and 9 times out of 10 will say “order anything you’d like”—just to make sure you know not only are they a super sexy sporty dude but they are also super rich and with them you’ll never have to order (shudders) well liquor. Who likes that anyways??!!! (Me. It’s like a dollar. Cha-ching!) They almost always have a spot in said-bar that they’ve deemed theirs to discuss their futures in the pros and scope out under age girls (lol). They’ll manage to flex their muscles and stick out their chests at random times “accidentally” and they’ll always call you “mam” for some weird reason. They’ll act sweet and interested in what you say, but don’t be fooled—they are secretly plotting how to get you home and picturing you naked just like all the other guys in the bar. If they aren’t so lucky to snag you for the night…no worries, they always have their cleat-chasing regulars on speed dial.
7. The Couple
This couple isn’t just any couple—they are that couple. You all know exactly which one I’m talking about. Sober, they are Beyonce and Jay-Z—but add alcohol into the mix and they are Rihanna and Chris Brown. He saw her flirting with him and he is too controlling and she “needs space” and he thinks she’s being a bitch and she starts crying because he called her a bitch and she slaps him and then he punches a wall and gets escorted out by security and she’s still trying crying (ugly Kim K tears at this point) and all her friends are OMGICan’tLikeBelieveHim-ing and buying her shots so she’ll forget and then she gets drunk and calls him and says sorry and he says sorry too and then they meet up and start making out all over each other but then she goes to the bathroom and he thinks she’s off cheating so he gets mad again and slkfjdsjfklsdjflkdsjflkdsjflksdjfkljsfds—get it? They are a huge, sloppy, inappropriate, make-you-feel-really-uncomfortable-and-want-to-leave, snotty-crying shit show. Everyone hates them and avoids going out with them together at. all. costs. When you’re with them you always seem to feel like you’re in an episode of Jersey Shore and on the off chance they aren’t fighting, you’re checking your watch and looking around at your friends wondering when it’s gonna go down. More times than not they’re super touchy at the beginning of the night, so if you see a couple swapping spit after a few rounds—RUN. Oh, and btw, if you’re reading this and wondering if you and your sig. other are that couple of your friend group—you totally are.
8. The Gay-BFF
He’s louder than you, he’s sassier than you, and he’s probably hotter than you too—the gay best friend dresses to impress and has more girls surrounding him than the straight dudes. He’ll scope out hot guys with you and will purse his lips (after finishing his sip of Sex on the Beach) while saying “Oh, what a shame!” when said-guys are obviously straight. The GBFF is better than your girlfriends and your straight guy friends—why, you ask? Because with the GBFF you get the best of both worlds: he’ll throw back girly cocktails and dance to Rihanna with you, but he’s just boyish enough to not be afraid to tell you when a dress makes you look fat…or when you need to dump your boyfriend because he’s a douche. Just want to dance and drink and not have slime-balls scamming you all night? Boom—GBFF instantly transforms to the fake boyfriend aka: douchebag repellant. Only downside to the GBFF is that they are 9 times out of 10 hotter than most straight guys so don’t be too disappointed when they break the news to you. (Oh, and he can’t gossip with you in the bathroom). WARNING: don’t ever pick a fight with the GBFF’s best friend because he will plot for revenge like a girl and/or bitch slap you so hard you must revaluate your life.
9. The Guy’s Girl
This girl always makes me LOL because you can sooooo easily read right through her. To spot her, look for the girl drinking a beer (not including Corona or wine coolers) and surrounding herself with guys. She will be discussing the latest “game” whichever sport it may be with the utmost enthusiasm, but you and I both know she probably Google-searched before coming out to make sure she could discuss it intelligently. The Guy’s Girl is that girl who always says “Girl’s don’t like me that much” or “I just prefer guy friends—less drama”. She is always dressed down, most of the time just so she can make fun of the girls who are dressed up. The Guy’s Girl is the one who is rolling her eyes at you and your group of friends talking in the bathroom—when in reality she just wishes she was included. She’s soooo suuuuperrrrrr chilllllll and haaaateeessss draaammmmaaaa and juuuust waaantttsss goooood viiibbbessss…. Ugh she’s just annoying and uppity and you’ll find yourself wanting to yell WHY ARE YOU SO RUDE WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM WE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER.
10. The Teenybopper
Last but certainly not least, the teenybopper. Also known as the high schooler. I saved the best for last and had way too much fun writing this one because THIS WAS ME, Anyways, I can’t just call this person “The Underage-er”, because let’s be honest…if it weren’t for under-age drinking, ¾ of college bars would go out of business. The teenyboppers are the juniors/seniors (and recently sophomores…wtf?) in high school that go downtown every night of every weekend. They pretend they are older than they are, get older men to buy them drinks, and make up fake lives—which includes a prestigious college major (usually Pre-Med or Pre-Law), and claim to be in sororities they aren’t really in. (and sometimes sleep in the dens of sorority houses they sneak into…or was that just us? Jk) They wear the shortest shorts, the highest heels, and the heaviest eye-liner all in hopes to cover up the fact that they aren’t really Monica Callaway, age 21, Kappa Delta—but instead are really Cindy Johnson, age 16, whose mom thinks she’s at a church lock in. They are CONSTANTLY taking pictures with each other or looking at their phones, desperately trying at all times to appear like they belong. For a while, you’ll see them habitually—a routine only hindered when Mom reads their texts and grounds them after realizing they were out drinking in a bar, not having a “movie night at Callie’s.” The teenyboppers overload Instagram and Snap Chat Sunday morning with drunken pictures and snap chat stories filled with bright blue shooters and captions like “girls nighttttt”.