The Food Log Of A Binge Eater

Recording a food log has always felt miserable to me. The concept of documenting daily calories consumed seems nearly as evil as the unwanted calories themselves. Why document this horror? Some of my favorite lies I tell myself are: “if no one sees me eat it, it doesn’t count.” or if it is food that is unwanted, that indicates a calorie free eating experience. The faster I eat it, the fewer calories it contains has become an idea nothing short of absolute truth.

Today I proceed to do the unthinkable… write out a personal food log and publish it. For some, perhaps this will serve little to no use for you. You will at best skim it and move on never to think of it again. Others may read it and place judgment. Thoughts of disgust, questions of how could someone consume this amount of food and wonderments of what is wrong with me may arise. “Where is her self-discipline?” “She should just choose to not put unhealthy food in her mouth.” Some may say. How about those of you that feel relieved. “And I thought my diet was bad. Thank goodness I don’t have her appetite”. But what about those of you that can relate? Either closely or mildly.

This is for the individuals that struggle whether in silence or aloud. You are not alone.

7:30 am- Breakfast- Oatmeal with yogurt and an apple…Nonfat plain yogurt of course.

Today will be different. Today I will take care of myself. Today I will not run to food for distraction or numbness. Starting today food will not consume me. That all is behind me.

8:00am- A stressful work email comes in. I don’t want to address the issue. I’m working from my boyfriend’s house this morning. It’s more important that I address what is in his kitchen cupboards right now. Not that I don’t already know every single item in there and its exact location. What if some treat magically appeared in the night or maybe I missed something the last 13 times I checked?

I finally settle on a freshly opened box of Honey Nut Cheerios. I eat the entire box before really even noticing I am eating.

8:20am- Oops I ate that whole box of cereal?! Well, mine as well keep going. An English muffin smothered in butter and maple syrup will do. I can’t wait for the muffin to be fully toasted. I pull it out of the toaster prematurely and eat it right there standing in the kitchen.

A plate isn’t necessary. The food is never put down.

8:45am- That unpleasant work email is still there, and my to-do list seems is daunting. I feel heavy. What else is in the cupboards? Gluten free pancake mix. What does that even really mean? Translation: I’ll finish the entire box because apparently there is no gluten in these bad boys. How annoying to have to prepare my food. I want it now. Waiting until the pancakes are fully cooked through requires more patience than I am capable of in this moment. Half cooked pancakes it is then.

I have a headache. My stomach more than hurts. That is the last time I’m doing that! No more eating the rest of the day… But first I need to run to the store to replace my boyfriend’s cereal and pancake mix I have eaten. His cereal box was open so I will have eat one more bowl from this new box to mirror the original box I ate.

1:30pm- My boyfriend hasn’t acknowledged my sweet text to him from this morning. Boys can be the worse mind readers and I so want his verbal affirmation especially now. He can be so selfish sometimes. Is he the right one?

I’ll stop at the grocery store on the way home and get the bakery box of 50 cookies. I stop eating at 35 cookies and throw the rest away. I need to sleep off some of this sugar. Insert a quick nap here.

8:30pm- I hate my body. I really need to go on a diet.

One last binge and I will start a healthy meal plan tomorrow. I fish out the 15 cookies from the trash. I eat those in lightning speed. A quick trip back to the grocery store for a carton of ice cream. It is half eaten by the time I reach back home. My steering wheel sticky from the ice cream binge the night before.

Thank goodness this day is over. I can start fresh tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the first day of recovery. How exciting to get my life back!

The next day:

7:30 am- Breakfast- Oatmeal with yogurt and an apple…Nonfat plain yogurt of course.

8:30am- An argument with my mom. What’s in the fridge…