How To Make People Believe That You’re ‘Fine’

Seth Doyle
Seth Doyle

Listen to songs that makes you feel a sense of fuzzy and synthetic nostalgia. For example, “U Remind Me” by Usher or “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child. Regularly eat way more food than is necessary for survival and then before you go bed say to yourself, “I will never do that again”.

Go to a bar and end up trapped in a two hour conversation about “politics” with a man in his mid-forties who is wearing a vest and ill-fitting jeans. The next day, brainstorm ways to exit similar conversations in future. Spend a lot of time considering whether you are “over” or “under” dressed for work. Smile politely at the stranger who tries to make in depth conversation with you on public transport, nodding enthusiastically when he says things like: “I think the price of fruit juice and water increases in summer because of the demand”.

When people ask you how you are say, “I’m fine!”

Be slightly later than early for work every single day. Don’t mind too much when you see people who are four years younger than you achieving their dreams, which are very similar to your dreams. Realize that the concept of having “dreams” is just something that humans have made up to torture themselves.

Re-watch movies you have already seen instead of new ones and tell yourself that this is a fine thing to do. Attend an event you don’t really want to attend for the sake of not hurting someone’s feelings. Force yourself to ask, “so what about you?” after someone you just met at the event asks you, “what do you do?” and you have lied to them about what it is that you do.

Delete your Facebook app so that you won’t be tempted to check your account “too” often. Download the app again four hours later.

Make to-do lists and, occasionally, complete some of the tasks on the list. Drink three coffees every day and feel your heart beat slightly faster than is healthy as you drink them. Have fleeting thoughts about checking in on your family members. Take sleeping pills at a healthy and responsible frequency. Feel smug when an over-sharer you don’t know very well tells you about the problems in their relationship.

Develop unlikely crushes on grotesque people you never speak to but regularly see in post office. Buy new clothes that you can’t afford in an effort to make yourself more attractive, instead of losing weight or maintain a healthy diet. Buy a new blender and use it infrequently. Say, “yeah that’s totally fine I completely understand!” when someone fucks you over.

Feel anxious about making small talk with your hairdresser then remind yourself that everyone feels anxious about making small talk with their hairdresser. Stock up on pain killers. Resolve to be more assertive. Invest in expensive make-up that is “worth the money”. Make a list of books to read, made up of volumes the internet has assured you are essential classics, such as “To Kill a Mockingbird”. Resolve to start buying books only from independent book stores.

Get through a silent elevator ride with strangers by repeating over and over to yourself, “I am safe, I am safe, I am safe”. TC mark

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