27 People Made Up These Crazy Conspiracies, And Yet You’ll Find That They Sound Totally Real

image - Flickr / Doug Wheller
image – Flickr / Doug Wheller

Found on r/AskReddit.

1. Cosmo

The readership of Cosmo is single women, right? So Cosmo intentionally gives awful dating advice to keep their readership single, and buying Cosmo.

2. Conspiracy about conspiracy theorists

95% of conspiracy theorists are professional trolls paid by the U.S. government to muddy the waters and throw the general public off about what the real conspiracies are.

3. Christian Bale

How does Christian Bale transform his body from extremely skinny to superhero buff back to skinny in just months? It’s not diet and exercise.

He has an emaciated twin brother he keeps hidden away who fills in for roles requiring a skinny Christian Bale. They each share one life.

Christopher Nolan tried to hint at this in the documentary The Prestige.

4. Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking has actually been a brain dead vegetable for years, ever since he lost his ability to speak. In reality, a team of discredited scientists use him as a mouthpiece for hypotheses that are too controversial to be presented by less renowned scientists.

5. North Korea

There is no North Korea. The country isn’t real, and Kim Jong Un is an actor. First world nations secretly decided long ago that their citizens would be more compliant with their corporation-owned governments if they had a supremely negative human experience to compare to their own. So citizens of developed nations feel like their problems pale in comparison, and developed nations can use North Korea’s harmless threats to boost patriotism in their countries.

I mean do YOU know anyone who’s been to North Korea? Oh I know what you’re thinking, North Korea heavily restricts visitors to their country. And where did you learn that piece of information? Your country’s media outlets? The ones that you already know are used by the government to spread the information they want you to hear? Right….

6. Fingerprints

Fingerprints are given to us at birth to act as a human barcode.

7. FREE KONY

Kony 2012 was simply the U.S. Government testing social media users. They found that while millions of users are quick to mobilize on any issue, those users are even quicker to fall back in line the moment they get bored with something.

Bonus conspiracy: They did this because they wanted to see how big the fallout would be once the NSA’s activities leaked. They knew it was only a matter of time, so they made sure it wouldn’t cause too much of a fuss.

8. China and Taiwan

China does not want Taiwan. They claim they do and start making threats every few years so the Taiwanese freak out and buy super expensive military hardware from the US. The US, in turn, shares some of the profits of those sales with China. Repeat every 5 to 6 years.

9. John McCain

John McCain picked Sarah Palin on purpose because he saw the downfall of the Republican party and wanted to speed it along by propelling her and the Tea Party to the front. He wants this because he’s a smart guy and realizes that the country will benefit if we have functional parties, instead of a divided nation.

10. Tea Party

This is just phase 1 of the GOP’s master plan. You see they saw they had no hope of beating Obama in ’08. So they instituted operation “new coke”.

Step 1) give Obama the presidency.

Step 2) using the crazies and racist start up the “tea party”

Step 3)with the tea party win enough house seats that you can gerrymander as many states as possible to secure the HOR for the next ten years.

Step 4) obstruct!! Using the tea party never let the democrats pass a thing.

Step 5) go full derp. This is the stage they are currently at. Up until 2016 they are going to get more obstructive and crazier. They don’t have to worry about losing the house in 2014 because of the gerrymandered districts.

Step 6) people grow tired and start to rebel against the crazies of the tea party.

Step 7) at the beginning of 2016 they are going to start a movement called, “Classic GOP”. Everybody falls in love with these classic republicans. Small government. Everyone loves them. Even some moderate liberals. They take the house, the senate, and the presidency. The government is theirs to pass any law they want!!!!

11. Selfies

Selfies were made popular by the government to help build the facial recognition database.

12. Seasoning aisles

Every product in the seasoning aisle is made by a single company, and most of them contain the same ingredients. This is done so that those wanting a cheaper product buy it, and so do those who are more discerning.

Customers swear they can taste the difference, but unfortunately it’s just the power of packaging and marketing. There have been cases in the past of others trying to get an elbow into the seasoning and spice market but you never hear of them because they’re not allowed to have shelf space in major chains.

It’s a monopoly that’s gone unchallenged for over 40 years now.

13. Starbucks

Starbucks spells people’s names wrong on purpose so they share it on social media thus creating free advertising.

14. College

College is a scam.

It’s a way to keep young people off the unemployment rolls and create the illusion the job marketplace is more robust than it is in reality. The vast majority of what you learn is useless theoretical information you won’t even use on the job but that degree is required because the hiring manager had to suffer through 4 to 8 years of higher education and expects all those beneath him to do so as well.

15. Shays Rebellion

In 1786, Daniel Shays was hired by the organizers of the U.S. Constitutional Convention to start what would become known as Shays’ Rebellion. The Convention was originally supposed to simply revise the existing Articles of Confederation, but James Madison and Alexander Hamilton (among others) wanted to use the Convention to create an entirely new government.

The difficulty in quelling the rebellion cemented the belief that the Federal Government was too weak and made many Americans more open to the idea of drafting a completely new Constitution.

Some “supporting evidence” – Nearly all of the 4,000 rebels were pardoned. Of the 18 men sentenced to die, Shays included, all but two had their death sentences pardoned. The two that were executed were probably threatening to talk.

16. Bush’s Baked Beans

The secret recipe for Bush’s Baked Beans is actually golden retriever meat. That’s why the dog wants to reveal the recipe, but that guy in the polo always stops him.

17. NSA

Whenever you get “lag” or slow internet, the NSA had to censor some of the information that is being received into your computer.

18. Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut is changing the weather, making it rain more. Thus, people avoid/lazy to go outside to get food and ultimately call Pizza Hut for deliveries for food.

19. Nirvana

David Grohl killed Kurt Cobain.

Being a talented singer was David’s dream. he had the pipes, the lyrics, the image, everything. Then he met Kurt and became a member of Nirvana. Kurt knew David could sing, even out-sing himself, so to protect his image, he placed David on the drums, giving David empty promises he will get a chance to sing his song(s) on the next album, or the next.

David was getting irritated by Kurt, getting jerked around by some white boy. Kurt denied his singing one too many times, and David snapped.

Now Kurt is six feet below ground. David suddenly becomes a world known singer in his own band, the Foo Fighters. Who is Foo, and why are they fighting it? Maybe Foo, is fighting those who try to keep you away from your dreams.

20. American Ninja Warrior

American Ninja Warrior is a selection process for the new world. All of us fatties at home watching will be left to burn.

21. Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves is actually Jesus returned. He became an actor to spread the word efficiently, and to touch as many people as possible. He’s had terrible things happen to him as the devil is trying to turn him to the dark side.

22. Anti-vaccination movement

The anti-vaccination movement exists as a warning for non-vaccination.

23. Hot dog industry

Hot dogs are sold in packs of ten while their buns are sold in packs of eight. You have to buy 4 packs of hot dogs to 5 packs of buns to have enough. I suspect that Big BBQ has control of the packaging for these to specifically entice you into buying more.

24. The Westboro Baptist Church

The Westboro Baptist Church is actually a really progressive civil rights organization (supporting LGBT rights, religious tolerance, and other liberal causes).

So Fred Phelps was a prolific Civil Rights attorney before he started the Westboro Baptist Church and took a bunch of heat for his work (his kids talk about how neighbors used to shoot out their car windows). So, what if one day Fred realizes that he’s never going to get his community to come together and support his work. Instead, he decides that the best way to unite people is through hatred of him. So, he starts doing some of the most despicable things he can think of. He publicly abuses a nice woman in court and gets disbarred. He starts being a general dick, and everyone hates him. Then, he starts protesting in favor of things that he opposes. He starts protesting against the most estranged minorities: homosexuals, Muslims, and immigrants. He also gets political and protests mostly Democrats (note: he ran for Senate in a Democratic primary and won about 30% of the vote, and supported Al Gore before going publicly crazy).

He also comes out as a supporter of Saddam Hussein. In the end, Fred Phelps takes the exactly wrong position on everything. What if, instead of being a ridiculously crazy person, he decided that he can have the greatest positive impact on civil rights and liberal causes by rallying people against him (in support of liberal causes)? He could never tip his hand because the game would be over. And he would have to occasionally do things that would make everyone mad so he is still a universally hated person. But, what if he is really one of the best men in America. Willing to sacrifice his own personal reputation and happiness and be the most hated man in the US, so that he can rally the rest of us to unite in favor of gay rights and multiculturalism.

25. Call Of Duty

The government is secretly pushing game developers to make war shooters like COD and Battlefield and market them to kids, so that in several years time when we piss off every other nation in the world, those children who grew up on war games will have a skewed idea of war, think it’ll be awesome, and sign up. That way they can’t keep it a “volunteer” army but brainwash impressionable minds into signing up without knowing the REAL horrors of war.

And someone pointed out to me that this wouldn’t work because of all the out of shape loner kids who play the games, but that’s what boot camp and training are for. Because in a positive aspect, they’ll chop down on national obesity by getting those boys and girls in shape to fight.

26. American educational system

Our educational system has been systematically disassembled, watered down and sabotaged because the govt doesn’t want an educated population. Educated people are harder to manage.

27. Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot and pays migrant workers to go to his house and choke him in the shower. TC mark

What’s reality and what’s fantasy? Get lost in our blockbuster summer YA novel here.

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