1. Uh…
As Andy grew older, all of his toys had to sit motionless and watch him masturbate.
2. I’m okay with becoming an Internet Explorer
Everyone here was born too late to explore the Earth and too early to really explore space.
3. So…Dexter isn’t real
Tranquilizer darts or gas that knock a person out instantly, rendering them safely unconscious for a few hours? Not a thing. All you’ll get from trying that in real life is death, comas, brain damage and sadness.
Keeping someone safely unconscious is a dangerous process with little margin for error. There’s a good reason that anesthesiologists are so highly paid.
4. Welp
If you’re in highschool at the moment, the majority of your friends won’t even be your acquaintances in the next 6 years.
5. That’s why my life’s so easy
Life is so much easier / better if you have good looks.
6. Animals do some good for once
Zombies can’t exist. they have too many natural predators (i.e. birds, maggots, insects). Any form of weather is bad weather for them without a regulatory system to maintain temperature (hot days their flesh goes rancid and falls off until they are bone, cold days they literally freeze). At most a zombie outbreak would last a few days.
7. Internet tribalism, we’re already there
Lots of people mistakenly believe the internet represents a fair and accurate cross section of a country’s demographic. This is absolutely false, and one of the biggest reasons why society is becoming increasingly fractured and atomised, where everybody seems to be living inside their own bubble. Old people are underrepresented on the internet, as are poor people, as are politically conservative people, as are non-English speakers, as are people from warmer climates. It’s frighteningly easy to curate your own existence and beliefs online. Social media has a big role to play. You get to pick and chose who you follow, you decide what news you see on Twitter, you decides what subreddits you join, you decide your friendship circle on Facebook. I feel this is going to help cause some problems down the road.
8. Oh…
Those videos of kittens that fall over adorably when someone pretends to shoot them? Yeah that’s a congenital defect. Almost every single cat you’ve seen in those videos is dead now because of it.
9. Especially when you fight Growlithe with Growlithe
Pokemon is kinda like simulated dog fighting for kids.
10. A literal asshole fact
The anus has a relatively high concentration of nerve endings and is an erogenous zone, which can make anal intercourse pleasurable for both the insertive partner and the receptive partner. Sigmund Freud’s theory of psychosexual development, for example, described an anal stage, hypothesizing that toddlers derive pleasure from retaining and expelling feces. This is the source of the term “anal-retentive” and the derived, derogatory vulgarism “anal”.
11. ALL ANIMALS RAPE?! >:(
Male koalas rape. A lot.
12. Aw man :(
When you die, very likely you will suffer at least a little bit. The best you can realistically hope for is a brief time when you are conscious as you asphyxiate. To put it another way, it takes about the same time to die like that as it does to drown. That’s if you’re lucky. Many, many people suffer for hours/days/weeks/months and even years before they pop the twig. The concept of dying peacefully in your sleep is a very few and far between occurrence.
13. So the machine chooses
I was a slot technician in a casino for years. I’d have customers go into a bonus where they had to choose a box or item for their bonus. They’d often ask me which one to choose. I always replied “Do you want me to ruin it for you?”. Truth is, no matter what you pick, it is already determined what the outcome will be. If the machine is going to show you that you win $7, it doesn’t matter what box you pick on the screen. Technically, they are ALL $7.
14. Invisible woman was a fake, I knew it
Being invisible wouldn’t be awesome because you would be blind the second you went invisible. If your eyes are invisible the light has nothing to bounce back to rendering you unable to see.
15. We create emotional bonds over fake characters than with dying children???
People get more upset and saddened by the deaths of fictional characters then they do by thousands of dead children in the third world each day.
16. WHAT?!
Eating a banana gives you a higher dose of radiation than living within 50 miles of a nuclear power plant for 1 year.
17. We give and take
Everyone you have known has used you in some way shape or form to further their own interests.
Even your mother.
18. SO YOU’RE TELLING ME I SPENT AN ENTIRE SATURDAY IN VAIN?
Cash cab is half a farce like any other reality tv show. You apply to be on a tv show about New York restaurants and have to pass a 10 question quiz. If you get picked for the show they send you to location 1 and tell you a cab will pick you up and bring you to location 2. When you get into the cab, DING DING DING, it’s the cash cab.
TL;DR You’re not going to hail the cash cab.
19. Thanks, asshole
When people say “you eat like a bird” respond with “birds actually eat twice their body weight.”
20. GROSS
A lot of soda fountains have maggots living in them…
21. “Spike!” :'(
The girl who voiced Ducky in the land before time died a violent death at the hands of her father.
