2. “Honey, I’m going to…the gym…”

Okay I have the perfect story for this.

I told my wife I was going to the gym, but somehow I ended up going to Mcdonald’s instead.

I ate my cheeseburgers in a parking lot, and waited a little while until it seemed long enough for a workout.

When I got home, I poured water on my head and shirt to look like I had been sweating.

That is the absolute saddest and fattest thing I have ever done.