I was once given the opportunity to be a camp counsellor for a bunch of elementary schoolers. This was an exceptionally poor idea on the part of the people running the camp. It was an even worse idea when they put me in charge of an entire cabin full of little boys, and asked me to teach them about nature science. For the first day or so, I tried. I really did try to be a nice upstanding teenager and talk to the kids on their level. I tried to teach them things about the world around them. Then I got bored.
“Now, see, kids – the bones of the majestic three-winged raccoon actually form when the organism ingests a diet based primarily on small childrens’ packed school lunches. After a period of no less than six months the infant raccoon will, if he has consumed enough smashed peanut butter sandwiches, spin a large cocoon out of his own saliva and hang motionless from a tree. Within this safe haven he will begin to develop out of his larval stage into a fully-formed adult. After eating his way out of the chrysalis he must hang from a branch for a few hours waiting for his wings to dry out. Finally, with a graceful swoop, he’ll take off and begin his long search for a mate.”
“Mister L, I think that’s butterflies!”
“No, Tommy. The life cycle of the butterfly is very similar to that of a raccoon, but it’s a much less peanut-butter dependant system.”
“Mister L, I think you’re lying!”
“Arthur, look at me. Would I ever lie to you?”
“You lied about there not being any more candy right before we got here!”
“Yes I did. So there you have your answer – I would absolutely lie to you. Now you’re all going to have to figure out which parts of what I said were true and which I made up to mess with you. There’s books on the shelf right here next to me. Have fun!”
And you know what? My kids actually ended up doing better than most of the other cabins. They got in the habit of fact-checking everything I said and calling me on my bullshit. This seemed to somehow make them more outgoing, self-confident, and willing to stand up against bullies. Basically they just started calling everyone out on their bullshit. They also relied on teamwork a lot more often. I think probably because they were united in their shared suffering of having the insane guy for a cabin leader. None of the other cabins could possibly relate, of course, and I was always sure to act absolutely normal around anyone but my assigned kids. And no one, I mean no one believes what a kid says over a responsible teenager. Especially when what they’re saying is crazyballs. So they really had no one to commiserate with but each other.
All I had wanted to do was mess with some little kid-brains, and I ended up creating a band of brothers.
No matter how fast you run at them, automatic doors will always open.
The funniest one I heard was a father who was asked about coconuts in a store by his son. He said:
“Don’t go near those son…those are bear eggs…”
I told a kid that the human body only has so many words until it runs out and then you die. That’s why old people slur their words more, because they are running out. It’s a lot of words, millions, but don’t waste them when you’re a child. They didn’t talk for the rest of the day.
I’m an amputee and there was that little girl with her mom, and she asked her mom why I was like that, so I told her that’s because I didn’t eat my vegetables.
My friend told his little brother that erectile dysfunction was a Harry Potter spell.
In my high school, seniors used to tell the 7th graders that there was a 4th floor pool (our school only has three floors). Some of the teachers got into it too. There was a door on the third floor that said “senior pool only” and somebody would occasionally get their feet wet and walk through the hallway leading to the door.
I told my niece that every bobby pin has a different name. Carlos pin, John pin, Jose pin, Alejandro pin,…you get the point.
Girl walked into the bank today and noticed Cash, the bank’s beta fish, in his bowl. She was disappointed that he was just kinda sitting there.
So I told her if she yells, gullible, he will do a flip. And so she proceeded to yell at the fish bowl, “Gullible! Gullible!” For about a solid thirty seconds.
I feel bad, but at the same time, that really made my day.
I had a friend whose older brother taught her all the wrong names for colors before she attended kindergarten. That must have been fun.
11. What’s going on
I routinely tell this to children when they ask why the sky is blue:
“The sky is blue because we live inside the eye of a blue eyed giant named Macumba.”
I told my roommate’s nine year old nephew the Calvin and Hobbs trolldad bit about black and white photographs being color pictures and the world just used to be black and white. He even asked about old paintings being in color and I stuck to the script about great artists being insane.
He accepted all of this in stride. He then asked me what colors were invented first. I said I didn’t know.
He looked me in the eye and flatly stated it was teal.
I told to my 3yr old nephew that my sister’s name is Potato. It’s was 10 years ago, he still calling her that at every familly gathering.
“Are you Tom Cruise?”
makes direct eye contact and without missing a beat
continues walking opposite direction
I have no idea how the kid knew who Tom Cruise was or if he did at all (I share no similar features), but I like to think that will be his favorite memory years from now.
When my wife I first started dating, my stepdaughters were little, and for some reason, they learned that they couldn’t figure out for themselves what the meal was going to be. There were times I’d be starting a pot of water, have spaghetti noodles, sauce, and cheese SITTING ON THE COUNTER, and they’d walk in, look at it, and then ask what’s for dinner.
This happened often enough, and was followed by, “But I don’t like that, ” often enough that I got sick of it, and one day told the three year old that the pot of soup I had going was actually kittens. “SHHHH. Listen, you can hear them mewing, if you’re quiet.” as the pot is bubbling away.
It got to be a thing, and 13 years later, they’re still asking what I’m making, and I’m still telling them it’s kittens. :)
I told my kids that Santa only comes to good kids houses. My oldest, who was 8 at the time, said that Santa didn’t come to her best friend’s house because she was Muslim. I said yeah, that’s just what her parents tell her because she can’t handle being told she’s bad every year.
Tell them their controller was plugged in.
Beanbags actually have badly behaved children inside them, ground up into little pieces.
Works a charm.
My dad used to mess with me and my siblings all the time:
black eyed peas are actually spider eyes
if you eat your crust you will learn how to whistle
I thought he was magic when he made the lights change.
He would ask one of us to stand up and show him how tall we were getting.. then would ask us to go fetch something for him.
Back when Pound Puppies were THE thing, my four-year-old wanted one badly. He got one for Easter, and I told him he was going to have to make sure he took good care of his new puppy. After he went to bed that night, with his new puppy, I came across some small brown pom-poms from a past project. On a whim, I decided to put a few under his puppy. The next morning, my son came into the living room and asked for some paper towel…so he could clean up the puppy poo. He’s 31 now, and we still laugh about it.
My friend’s dad when he was little: “Hey buddy, have you been pushing your nipples in every night?”
“You haven’t been pushing them in?”
“Why would I need to?!”
“You know how mommy looks different? She has boobs, right?”
“And men don’t. Because we push our nipples in at night. But you haven’t been.”
Commence panic that lasts for several months…
I told a kid that a car was essentially four unicycles lashed together, and there were really small people peddling at super high speed.
When I was in 9th grade I told a 7th grade girl that whenever a guy has his hand in his pockets he’s masturbating. She ran around the mall pointing people out to me and couldn’t believe she had never noticed it before
My dad used to tell us that if we lay perfectly still in the backyard for long enough then vultures would circle us and then land to try and eat us. My brother and I would lay silently in the backyard for hours while my dad sat inside watching TV and drinking beer. Well played dad….well played.
I’m not entirely sure if this counts… but back when I was fourteen, I told one of my classmates – who was of a similar age – that airplanes in flight looked small because of the air pressure they experienced.
The whole thing started when we were sitting on the top row of the gym’s bleachers. We were only about eight or nine feet up, but the height was still apparently impressive enough to prompt my companion – whose name was Nick – to consider a career in extreme sports.
“Hey, do you think I could jump down from here?” he asked.
I turned to him with a look of shock and alarm on my face. “From up here? No way! That’s, like, half a mile down!”
“What?” he glanced over the edge again. “No, it isn’t!”
“No, really, it is!” I insisted. “I know it looks close, but that’s only because we’re inside. There’s no air pressure.”
Nick gave me a quizzical look. “Air pressure? What do you mean?”
“Well,” I began, “when you’re outside, there’s air everywhere, right? All of that air presses against things, making them look small. Have you ever looked up at an airplane and thought that it looked really tiny?”
“Oh… oh yeah!” Nick said, a flicker of understanding crossing his face.
“That’s because there’s a lot of air pressure up there. Most of those planes are only about fifty feet in the air, which is why it’s illegal to throw rocks at them. You might hit one and cause a wreck!”
My companion nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! Yeah! I heard about that happening!”
“Anyway,” I said, “since we’re inside, there’s no air pressure. Since there’s no air pressure, everything looks like it’s a lot closer, because it’s not getting shrunk down. If you jumped off the bleachers, you’d probably die.”
Nick didn’t say anything else… but he slowly scooted away from the edge.
My uncle use to tell my cousin and I that the hazard button in the car was the turbo button. Whenever we tried to press it, he would just accelerate when we did. For the longest time, we thought every car, even minivans, had turbo in them…
Told my niece and nephew that I had a glass eye. My eyes are fine. But, I would cross my eyes and look around erratically. I kept this up for about two years. They would tell me how real it looked. I said it better it was expensive. When they got up the courage to ask me to take it out i would say that i had just removed it to wash it a few days ago and it hurts to put in and out. They were always staring at my eyes watching me but trying not to get caught. Kept ’em on their toes any way. Being an uncle is lotsa fun.
That “sexy” means “well-behaved”. He went straight to his mom to tell her he was “well-behaved.”
I told my brother that I could turn him invisible. Me and my mum had a lot of fun with this.
He truly believed this until he was at least 7.
I told the kid I babysit that I never poop. He’s almost 5 and still believes me. I was asked earlier today “if you don’t poop, why do you have a big butt?” My answer: for decoration.
I told my nine year old brother who hates onions that in order to turn ten he must consume and entire onion as if it were an apple.
He did not believe me until the entire family got involved- my father even told him that he didn’t get to turn ten for several years because he had such a hard time eating the onion.
I told them I was a robot, and “proved” it by doing math in my head.
They were in second grade, I was in college, and about the hardest problem they could think up was “What’s a thousand plus a thousand?”
The robotics program over at the college is doing some very impressive things, I told them.
My dad was the best at this, and I am apparently insanely gullible, so it always worked.
So it’s the late 80s, early 90s, I’m roughly 10. I go on a Walmart run with my dad in a rental car because our car was in the shop. We park the car, and he says “Hey, check this out!” and says “Open, Trunk!” to the car. The trunk magically pops open. He shuts it, does it again. “Open, Trunk!” and the trunk pops open. I am amazed. He says, “Yeah, this is how these newer cars work, you can tell it what to do and it will listen,” and urges me to try it. So I proceed to walk through the parking lot saying “Open, Trunk!” to every single car. None of the trunks open, and he told me it was because those cars didn’t recognize me, and I was sad.
Little did I know, he has one of those fancy car remotes that open the trunk, unlock the doors, etc., in his pocket. I can’t decide if he’s a genius or if I’m a complete idiot.
34. Potato fairy
Got custody of my nieces and nephews (2boys 3&5, 2girls 6&10) and they are a bunch of little badasses. Nothing would phase them, until one night at dinner the 5 year old stopped his throwing a fit to ask why there was a potato on the floor.
I just looked at him and told him about the Potato Fairy.
She comes wherever bad kids are and leaves a potato. Slowly overtime the worse the kids is, the bigger the potato gets. Eventually the potato begins to look like the kid, and the kids develops brown rough spots. Soon after that, the potato turns into the kid but is good, while the kid is now stuck as a potato.
He was legitimately scared, and a couple days later when the eyes sprouted he flipped out.
Best use of a potato yet for me.
Whenever a kid is messing around with the conveyor belt at my register I’ll turn it off and pretend he broke it. Sometimes he’ll freak out and think he has to pay to have it fixed and it’s glorious.
Sometimes the parent will think the kid broke it and they freak out and I realize some parents are stupid.