1. Perfect solution
I opened up a collectible card game and miniature store.
2. Probably the most epic story here
I ran the fuck away. I was with a girl from a party out on the street going at it on top of a car hood in an alley. After a bit she tried to slip me in, because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a deathlock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me “No,” and again with her deathlock on me started to steer me back into her. In my head I was thinking, “Fuck AIDS and shit, I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties.” Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, my drunk ass instead went, “Ohhhh!” and pointed out across the street. When she looked, I spun out of her grip and all in one motion grabbed my pants back up and went into a full sprint and jumped the fence into someone’s yard and took off down the street. About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell “Are you fucking kidding me!!!”
3. I keep accidentally not having sex
I’ve never done anything to avoid having sex, it just keeps not happening all on its own.
4. My brother helped
Not something I did, but my brother. For a few weeks in highschool, I lived with my mom, and I was babysitting my younger brothers. A girl with who I went to school decided to stop by, and was clumsily trying to seduce me. She had a bit of a reputation, and I was watching kids besides, so I really wasn’t into it. Anyway, she got really forceful, and my younger brother picked up on the fact that I was uncomfortable.
As an aside, I was supposed to be very careful about letting the boys play wrestling video games, as they tended to get a little rowdy. I had completely ignored this rule all day.
Anyway, my brother saw how uncomfortable I was, so he decided that he was going to climb on the back of the couch and dropkick the fuck right out of her.
I pretended to be upset with him until she got back up and left, then high fived him and took my brothers out for ice cream.
5. This woman saved mankind
I have never gotten credit for how smooth I was. I was younger, and doing some underpants grinding laying on the couch. Things were getting hot and heavy and I could feel how irresistibly hard he was getting, but something just didn’t feel right. I look down, and see a tiny dot of blood from mother nature’s shank on his plaid boxers. OH FUCK!! OH FUCK OH FUCK!! No way in HELL am I letting him see that!!! In order to save face, I did what any nervous lady could do. I as sexily as possible take off his boxers and start blowing him, but take his boxers and put them on myself. Talk about biting the bullet. Once he was sufficiently finished I dealt with the boxers, my business and everything while getting a drink for my now parched mouth. No need to finish me, thanks, I am too TIRED.
6. Thank you for your time
I’m a guy. I had just graduated college and moved to a new town. A girl I knew offered to show me around for the night.
We go to a house party with her friends and drink until 2 AM. At that point, she asks me if I want to crash on her couch. The thing is, I’m actually really far from home. I have no car. I’m drunk. Public transportation will take hours. So, I agree — sure, I’ll crash on your couch.
Now, she was not at all unattractive – far from it. The thing is, I had spent quite a bit of time with her in college, and there had never been any spark. We had been in a touring performance group together. We had rehearsed for hundreds of hours, gone on road trips, shared hotel rooms, etc. She fought constantly with other members of the group. She hooked up with a couple of the guys – all older than me. I didn’t judge her for that, but I knew enough to know that I didn’t want to get involved.
Anyway, we get into her apartment. She says, oh fuck it, I don’t feel like making up the couch, you can just sleep on my bed. It’s no big deal, she says, it will be just like we’re on tour. Hey, we piled four people into a bed on tour, didn’t we? That’s true, I think. We did do that. Sure.
So we get into bed. I’m lying on my back, she on hers. We stay that way silently for several minutes. I can tell she’s wide awake.
And then, suddenly, I feel her hand on my leg. It starts stroking my thigh. Her nails dig in. She goes farther and further up my leg, rubbing back and forth.
Oh fuck fuck fuck.
I really don’t want to do this. But I certainly don’t want to explain that, either.
So, I think fast. And let out a loud, rasping, rattling SNORE.
Her hand pauses.
Her hand moves away.
I rev up the chainsaw for about five minutes. Eventually, she rolls over on her side and goes to sleep.
Bullet dodged. She kept her pride, while I kept my dainty manhood intact.
7. Aw DAMN
I got married.
8. But what if she was really into it
My girlfriend was in Spain for a while and I was hanging at my local bar for a few drinks after work one night. Somehow while I was having a beer or two and playing darts time passed and all of a sudden it’s near closing time. I am normally a bike commuter, but was recovering from being hit by a car so I was waiting on a cab while this 5-6/10 regular customer was trying to chat me up.
I’m courteous and polite, but trying to shut her down. After forty minutes of no cab showing up, chick offers to give me a ride home. I say, fuck it; it’s free. I’ll take it. Once we’re in the car she won’t stop seriously trying to hit on me. Eventually she asks why I don’t just stay with her and I reply, as I have quite a bit at this point, that I have a girlfriend and I love her. She asks what the hell is so special about this girl that I won’t just cheat on her real quick.
Now I’m past being uncomfortable an into getting pissed. I keep my cool, and explain that if I were to come over then I’d need to stop by my house and get my toy box. She asks what that means, and I tell her it’s just the standard stuff. Ball gags, riding crops, a couple butt plugs, just the basics. She seems a bit weirded out, but not quite what I want. So I say, if you’re into it, that’s just the beginning. Are you into bondage? I’ve got a whole closet full of fun stuff to play with. I keep going, pulling all of this out of thin air, and by the time we’re a couple miles down the road at my house, this bitch can’t wait to get me out of her car. Never did see her in the bar, either.
9. The hat was really important
My friend was very drunk in college, and went home with a very unattractive girl. We had tried to stop him, but he didn’t listen. Shortly after arriving at her home, he said he regained clarity, and realized he needed to escape. She left the room for a moment to brush her teeth or some such task, and he jumped out her second story window. He forgot his hat, though, and had to climb back in said window. Then he jumped back out. It was a small school. We saw her on campus often.
10. I’m sorry bro…
The sex with my ex-girlfriend was so terrible (she’d lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I’d purposely give myself whiskey dick.
11. Had a religious epiphany
Told her that Jesus wouldn’t approve of our having premarital sex (she stunk horrendously once I got down there).
I lived in a small town where dating was really, really hard. I was mid-late 20s and the only people I ever met were married. Actually pretty depressing. One Saturday morning I wake up and have a random Facebook message from some girl in town asking if I wanted to hang out that night. Looked through her pictures; cute, nice body, decent job, and within 5 years of my age!
Decide to hang out at my house and watch a football game. She shows up looking at least 20lbs heavier than her pictures and some pretty broken out skin, but I’m okay with that. Let’s see what she’s like before dismissing her. I had bought us pizza and booze for the night. She scarfs down her portion of the pie before I’ve finished half of mine. Next, onto the booze. She finished her bottle of sangria in about 3 minutes…literally chugs every drink.
So she’s getting pretty tipsy within 30 minutes of showing up. But that’s not enough, so she keeps sneaking into the kitchen and drinking vodka straight from the bottle (I caught her the 3rd time). Classy, huh?
The rest of the night involved her trying to get me to make out with her repeatedly. When I would refuse, she’d literally throw a tantrum. Finally, after having enough, I told her she needed to leave. She proceeds to pout on the couch for a few minutes, puts in her iphone headphones, then starts SCREAMING along to some songs.
FINALLY, she apologizes and I manage to get her calmed down. At this point she starts trying to get things dirty-dirty. I’m like, “nope. not going to happen.” But then came the big equalizer: She offers anal. I’ve never HAD anal, so I’m like – uhhhh, seriously? She says yeah. To the bedroom we head.
Even WITH the promise of said anal, I could NOT get over the overwhelming smell of zoo/farm animal that eviscerated the sanitation of the room the SECOND her shorts came off. I gagged. And that’s when I found Jesus.
12. She just didn’t get it
While wingmanning a friend (who was having sex in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as the girl he was having sex with’s ugly friend. So she really wants to do the dirty but I’m not feeling it with her at all. So very drunk, I decide to make a “fort” on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN MY FORT!” She eventually got the message.
13. The imagery is beyond hysterical
I fell behind a dryer.
I was drunk, sitting up on top of a dryer in a friend’s laundry room. The creepy girl I had avoided all evening entered and had me cornered in the room. She pushes up on me, tries unbuckling my belt, and attempts to kiss me. My only method of evasion was to fall backwards behind the dryer and wait until backup arrived. Three friends heard her calling for help and sprung me from being trapped between the wall and the dryer. I left the room with them as my guardians. I’ll never forget the terror of being wedged back there, while watching her fat hot-dog fingers try to molest me from above.
14. Have a…good night
I took a girl to her boyfriend’s house.
The time is high school.
We are co workers.
We went out and I had every intention of scoring but when the time came, I wasn’t really into it. So in order to get things on a different track, I suggested we go to derps house, another coworker that I was passing friendly with but I had seen her hanging out with. She wasn’t too enthusiastic about it, but I decided I was done being there so I railroaded the decision and drove there. I was plenty surprised when we got there and he was obviously glad to see his girlfriend. She and I both kept our poker face. I’m not sure what he was thinking. I left quickly. It was never mentioned again by any of us.
15. It takes a man do pull out nosehairs on the fly
Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and my sober ass is bored. Then a very very drunk woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’d fuck my brains out. Sober me thought this wasn’t kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made me eyes water and my nose run and I said “I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out.” I gave her my phone number and she though that was so sweet she passed out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she came up to me, gave me a HUGE hug, and thanked me for not being a dick. We ended up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.
16. I never thought I’d read “Yeasty” and “Hungry” in the same story, but I did
When I was in my fresher year of university I made an error. After being down the nearest student bar and drank an obscene amount of beer, my beer goggle turned on. Enter overweight Irish girl. In my mind I was sure she was beautiful and witty… Turned out not. Cue memory loss and I black back in when I have managed to bring this troll back to my flat in our halls of residence, kissing in the corridor and whatnot. This was just around the time of Christmas holidays, so one of my flatmates had already headed home for the holidays. Like the rookie he was, he had left his room unlocked. So, drunken me decides “fuck it, he’s a dickhead” and lead the girl into his room. After this normal sexual initiations begin and I gradually begin to sober up and feel worse for the beer I have had. So then I decide to be a gentleman and go down on her. Around then I realise my real mistake. There’s this fucking rank fishy smell. I am talking about yeast infection bad smell. My nose picked up on it too late… I licked.
And then I vomited. I vomited on her vagina.
Drunken save yourself abandon ship mode engages. I jump up, grab my clothes and leave before she realises what’s happened. As I leave I hear “OH MY GOD!”
Went into my room, locked the door, slept, stayed in the room for roughly 24 hours just in case she hadn’t left. Man I was hungry and thirsty. Worst hangover ever.
Flatmate to this day doesn’t know. Win. Saw her again on campus a couple of months later. Got the dirtiest look I have ever, and will ever receive.
17. She threw it like a goddamn frisbee
Last year I met a girl at a party, and we hit it off after getting a rather large number of beers inside of us. Eventually we moved into a bedroom and started making out pretty intensely. I was a virgin at this point, and I decided to get down to business for the very first time. As I turned aside to put my socks on (I like to be comfy), she slipped her hand down her skirt and ripped off a bloody tampon, thinking I wasn’t looking. At this point my drunken mind decided to go into overdrive to get me the fuck out of there, resulting in me saying the following words:
“Bluehhggh I need to bury my tequila.”
I jumped off the bed and ran off into the night like a mystic demon.
18. Kissed a man to preserve integrity
This is a story of wingmanship more than turning down sex. Went to a bar with two buddies, one of whom was meeting a girl there he had a crush on. She was wasted when we arrived, and after introductions it became apparent she was interested in me–heavy flirting, obvious touching, etc. My friend with the crush took it in stride, sorta giving me a “c’est la vie” shrug, but I felt bad. I moved the conversation around till it was ripe to drop a white lie: I was gay. She didn’t believe me at first, so I improv-ed and wrapped my arm around my other friend, who was in the middle of wtf-ing after hearing me say that, and introduced him as my partner. She did a hip cock and asked us to prove it.
There are those moments when you catch the gaze of a friend and realize that what’s about to go down is something that you’ll laugh about later, or regale at each other’s wedding. It only lasts for a split second, but in those moments you can glimpse the depth of your friendship. We shared a moment like that before exchanging a slow, gentle, familiar kiss. She just stood there, then said “Wow, you guys don’t seem gay.”
Meanwhile my pal who was into her witnessed the whole thing, jaw dropped, and bought us two shots. She became more obnoxious as the night wore on, and my pal lost all interest. Came outta there with a great story though.
19. Okay, what the fuck happened
I was with this one guy I was friends with, but didn’t like so much, and we ended up wrestling. He turned out to have chains on his bed… and he ended up handcuffing me to his bed. I dodged his kisses and had to fake a panic attack. Luckily, he was a nice enough guy to let me go… told him I was actually a lesbian and terrified of the dick.
20. I don’t know what to say, except, how does one fake sex in a room with two other people
I was with some friends in a house for the summer. The house wasn’t very big and we slept 3 in each room (we were 9 total). For the sake of friendship we all agreed that we wouldn’t be fooling around with each other. All was going fine, we were having a really good time together. About 2 weeks in things started to change: One of the two girls that I shared a room with – let’s call her Sara – started to do some strange things – like leaving her underwear in my bed, walking around a lot on her underwear, etc. I never said anything because our other friend was in the room and she didn’t said anything so my thought was, “It’s nothing out of the ordinary, just ignore it.” This kept going for a month-and-a-half. We had just 1 more week to the end of the summer and then it got worse: She climbed on my bed, naked! I really didn’t liked her that way and I didn’t want to go there with her so I panicked. I got up and said, “Sorry Sara, I’m in love with Rita [our other roommate].” I ran to Rita, waked her up and kissed her. The poor thing was really shocked but I explained everything to her. We had to fake sex for the rest of the week.
21. That necrotic tissue bit really made me gag
Went with this girl to some seedy love hotel (I’m Brazilian). She wants me to go down on her. Well, why the fuck not? Thing is, there’s a strange smell coming from down there. And it’s far from that normal, girly (and pleasing) smell. No, it’s not menstruation, it’s not poop, it isn’t anything caused by lack of hygiene either. It’s not even an yeast infection (I know these smells, trust me). It’s something akin to carrion, like there’s some necrotic tissue inside her parts. When I took her panties off I almost gagged.
So I did what any manly man would do — I immediately excused myself to the bathroom and escaped through the window.
22. Snoop Lion approves this message
Girl I was dating in college wanted me to come over to her apartment. Told her I couldn’t because I was busy watching the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie with my roommates (which I was).
23. I love bacon, what can I say
I got undressed with the lights still on. That usually does it.
24. We all have our turn-offs. Most of us share this
Called her the wrong name in between her kissing me. Bad breath is a turn off. “Oh. I thought you were a Sarah.”
25. No matter how you spin that, it’s a factual statement
I just say that I have diarrhea.
Nobody wants to have sex with someone who has diarrhea.
26. Who else but RAs say “hibbidy dibbidy”
When I was an RA in college, one of my residents had a crush on me that wasn’t reciprocated. Her roommate invited me over one night to watch a movie with the two of them, then the roommate left the room. There we were, sitting on the floor, watching some stupid chick flick, when she moved over to sit even closer to me. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over our laps, moving even closer. I knew things were going to be going the way of the smooching and horizontal mambo shortly if things went as she planned, but I was not attracted to her and wanted to the foil the plan as best I could.
Thank goodness it was taco night in the cafeteria. Even my eyes watered with the stench and spice of that magnificent fart. And it saved me from doing the hibbidy dibbidy with one of my residents.
I met this guy one Tuesday evening after mutual friends had told me about him and we had emailed and such. He is quite good looking, funny and charming, so I knew sex was on the cards. However mother nature was cruel and cursed me with my womanly time of the month. I didn’t want him knowing this however so I came up with this entirely fabricated story which he seemingly bought.
I told him that I read in Cosmo once that it was bad luck to have sex on a Tuesday. I explained in some detail how I had been following this rule for many years now and have never had bad sex as a result. He respected this and gave me many goodnight kisses to make up for the “no sex” thing.
We did however have sex many times after that night and are still friends today somewhat.
28. Now we know and we all think you’re a jackass
A friend of mine made himself throw up so his girlfriend would leave him alone. He threw up on her shoes and apologized, he said he was sick and wanted to go to bed. He really wanted to play video games all night.
29. This gave a good chuckle
I stomped the ground, and snorted, to alert her that she was in my breeding territory.