I went to a Chinese restaurant on Haight Street a few years ago. My friends and I had eyes bigger than our stomachs. We left the place with a huge bag of leftovers.
On the way home we saw a lady in a wheelchair begging for change near the freeway on-ramp. We decided quickly that she needed the food more than us. We gave the the entire bag of food. She seemed genuinely thankful for the food and thanked us profusely.
That night we ALL got explosive diarrhea. As much as that sucked all I could imagine was some poor old lady in a wheelchair scrambling to find a bathroom.
I was working at a gas station, and asked one of my co-workers to cover two shifts for me while I went on a short vacation.
On the second day, he got robbed at knifepoint. Got a cut on his face and another on his arm. They weren’t bad, but they needed stitches. He quit soon after, as he was too scared to return to work.
Oh yes, I felt very bad about it.
My Anglican father once told me a funny story about the time he and his brothers went to a Pentecostal Church and, while the people were rolling around on the floor speaking in tongues, they noticed the most beautiful girl in their class among them. She was rolling around and crying out and not wearing any underwear, and they all had a good show, and a good laugh.
Decades later, at a house party, we were all sharing stories and laughing and I told Dad he should tell his story about the Pentecostal girl rolling around with no underwear on. And Dad turned white as a ghost. She herself wasn’t there, but her husband was, as were several other of my father’s friends who happen to be Pentecostal.
This one’s not about me, but an old family friend who used to be an NYC firefighter. Sept 11, 2001 was the date of the NYC mayoral primary, and the Firefighters Union was looking for volunteers to canvass for their endorsed Democratic candidate, Alan Hevesi (who, as an aside, eventually went to jail for corruption). My family friend decided that it’d be better to be on a street corner handing out fliers / holding signs / whatever on a beautiful September Tuesday than in his Chinatown Manhattan firehouse, so he switched shifts with another guy in the house. That guy didn’t make it home.
The family friend was driving in from his home in Westchester to start his canvassing shift at about 10 am when he heard the news, and immediately went to the HazMat station in Queens to get his gear. By the time he made it to the site, both towers had fallen.
I once sent a pizza delivery to a hotel that was out of our delivery radius (but not by much) but had a reputation for serving clients that generally tipped well. When the woman placed the order, she said “And hey, send your cutest driver. Hee hee!” and I joked that I would make sure to oblige.
One of our drivers, Dan we’ll call him, was having a rough night. Deliveries to bad neighborhoods, getting stiffed repeatedly, had some personal problems going on at home. So I figured he could take a long run, enjoy a smoke break, get a fat tip and hopefully meet a cute girl. Anything to help brighten his mood. On his way out the door, I pulled him aside and said “Hey Dan, don’t worry about how long this one takes, just lemme know how it goes.” so he disappears into the night and I return to my duties.
Then an hour later he’s not back. 90 minutes later, and I start to worry. Did I just send a man to his death? Had he been mugged? Why wouldn’t he answer his cell phone? Much to my relief, he came striding in less than fifteen minutes later.
He made a beeline for me, pinned me up against the nearest wall and said with barely contained rage “That. Was. A. DUDE.”
It turns out that the customer was a pre-op transsexual (who had a very convincing voice over the phone!) that had called half a dozen pizza places looking for anyway she could to score some action. Turns out that four of them showed up within a handful of minutes of each other, were all subject to the same proposition, and then had to go through the uncomfortable business of getting paid for the food.
Unsurprisingly, Dan, who was already having a rough night, did not find this story as hilarious as the rest of our staff did, and thought maybe I’d played an elaborate prank on him just to fuck with him.
To be clear: I could not have dreamed such a devious, dysfunctional prank in a million billion years.
My freshman year of college my best friend and I requested to live together. Well, housing messed up and put us in two separate rooms with two other roommates. We talked to one of the guys and he agreed to switch rooms with me.
What I could not have known was my original roommate was a 300 lb tuba player who didn’t shower. I felt bad for the guy who switched with me, but there was nothing I could do about it
It was about 10 years ago, My family allowed me to bring 2 friends with me to Tennessee to go skiing and one day we went to this place where you could rent inner tubes and slide down the side of some mountain slope. So we get to the point where you’re handed a tube, I got this super shitty tube and I just so luckily placed my hand over where it was torn so I could feel the air rushing out… I quickly traded it for another and this girl behind me got the broken tube…Anyway, I go down the slope and get to the bottom and I look up to see the girl with the broken tube just stuck in the middle of the slope as some 200 pound man just slams into her knocking her about 15 feet in the air, leading to her ultimately just rolling down the slope without a tube, crying hysterically.
This was really his own fault, but here goes. I had a friend who worked at a furniture store, and would get an employee discount of 50%. I was moving and needed a couch, so he offered to buy it using his discount. He asked for my credit card, which I provided, then proceeded to buy the furniture at a discount with my card. His manager asks why it’s being run on my card, and fires my friend.
I did think it was weird that he asked for my card, thinking it would be cleaner if I just paid him back, but since he was the one that asked for it I figured either the policy was ok with that, or that the name on the CC wouldn’t blatantly be right there, and that he would know better…oops
I own a house in Lebanon and it hasn’t been maintained in ages. Also, all the locks on the doors use those giant keys.
Well my friend was over my house and we both needed to go to the bathroom. I told him he could go first because he was in a hurry and I told him to turn the key hard because it jams. Well, the key broke when he was trying to get out and was stuck in an un-air-conditioned bathroom for 2 hours on one of the hottest days on record as I picked the lock to get him out.
He had to get in the shower and turn on the cold water to avoid passing out.
10. Sorry, friend
I was coming back from a trip to Japan with a few friends, I had bought a wooden sword from a little gift shop inside Yasukuni shrine, at the time I thought it would fit inside my luggage to take home. Turns out it didn’t so I asked a friend if he could put in his suitcase, he said sure. Flash forward to when we make it back to immigration at SFO, out of the 15 of us, he is the one guy who gets pulled aside for a “random” security screening. He was gone an extra hour because of that wooden sword.
Though we did feel worse for the attractive Japanese girl who was also picked for a security screening as those agents just had a field day with her panties.
My girlfriend is terrified of flying, we were separated on a flight to Mexico so I offered to give her seat (aisle up front) to the guy in the middle seat next to me, he refused even after explaining to him that she has a real problem flying. Finally after letting it go for a bit I woke him up and offered him $100 to switch seats once we land and I could get to an ATM. He finally grumbled and switched with her. I had every intention of paying, and when we landed the guy must have found his moral compass somewhere along the way because he was no where to be found.
I was on one of those planes (I think a 767, but not sure) where there are 2 seats by each wall, 4 in the middle, and 2 aisles.
Well, I have the window seat, and this lady comes down the aisle, looking for her seat, and sits next to me. We’re in a very quiet, comfortable section of the plane, near the front of the cabin. First thing as she sits down, she waves over a flight attendant to move seats because “I can’t stand aisle seats.”
She got moved to a middle seat in the back of the plane next to a crying kid. I had an empty seat, and lots of arm room for the 8 hour flight.
I didn’t see her again, so I don’t know how much “I immediately regret this decision” she had going on, but it worked out for me!
13. You poor thing
This very timid looking mother called a flight attendant over to me and her to have her ask me to switch seats with her son who was two rows up. I had the luxurious aisle seat, and the son had the very shitty middle seat, but I said I would switch. I move all my stuff only to find a huge guy has taken the aisle seat. It’s a full flight and boarding has finished. I squeeze my way into the middle seat and force my arm rests down, only to have the huge guy informs me cannot happen due to his size. His fat spills over on to my lap and I am forced to sit next to beached whale guy from Oregon the DC. Sucked donkey balls. During our flight a stewardess came over to our aisle and says to the whale that in the future he has to purchase two seats. She sees me in my uncomfortable state and tells me she has something to show me. She takes me to the back of the plane to hang out with the other stewardesses for the remainder of the flight. They had an extra fold down seat for me. If you are reading this thank you Suzy the stewardess.
I was merging on to a freeway, and a guy moved over to the next lane to let me in. Perhaps 10 seconds later a kangaroo jumped on to the road. I hit the brakes, but the other driver, who’s view of the kangaroo would have been blocked by my car, was not so lucky. He slammed straight into the roo.
If he hadn’t kindly moved over for me seconds earlier he would most likely have seen the roo and avoided it.
The driver was fine, but as I drove away I could see that he was pissed off, to say the least.
15. Always be aware
I paid £150 for Olympic Opening Ceremony tickets, because these were return tickets mine was separated from the others in my party, so I was sat by myself. My seat wasn’t bad, at one end of the stadium, slightly at an angle. Lady next to me asks if , being by myself, I minded swapping seats with her husband as he was sat in a different location. I thought “Sure, why not,” I went over to him, he looked like he had won the lottery and kept asking if I was sure. I’m not the most observant and his seat looked ok, so yeah, I swapped.
It didn’t take long for me realise why he was so happy. If you saw the opening ceremony you may remember a huge tree at one end of the track, it was part of the ceremony. There was a section of seating stupidly placed right behind the tree, it blocked the view quite badly.
I kept looking over to them, they seemed so happy together, I didn’t want to spoil their evening b swapping back. But I literally could not see shit with this tree in front of me, the people sat around me seemed to be complaining about it as well.
Eventually , with about 5 minutes before starting, I asked the guy next to me if he was by himself-he was. I said fine, I’ll get you a better seat. I went over to the couple, the stadium is full by now, so it was kind of awkward. I told them that the tree was bugging me and I’d like to swap back, but if they wanted to sit together they now could as there were now two seats available since I got matey to swap as well. They looked so heart broken but both went trudging off to the seats behind the tree. The wife, herself, thought twice about swapping and both looked back forlornly as they found their positions.
Matey and I enjoyed a great opening ceremony, he couldn’t believe his luck but I felt bad for the couple.
My Grandfather was set to be deployed in San Francisco during WW2. A buddy of his had a deployment in France. His friend had a fiancee and family in San Francisco, and begged my Grandfather to trade deployments with him.
My Grandfather didn’t have much going on in his life and didn’t really care where he got sent, so he agreed. He wound up in France, where all the action was essentially long over, and the troops just relaxed and enjoyed an extended vacation near Paris.
He later found out that San Francisco was simply a staging point where they sent troops to prepare for the front lines, and heavy duty combat. Whoops.
Ask my friend to drive me to a place a whiles away since I had no car. A 15 minute trip on the expressway ended up lasting 3 hours in traffic and he got slightly rear-ended by two different people.
My story is the exact polar opposite.
My girlfriend and I boarded late onto a one-hour flight, and someone gave up his seat so my girlfriend and I could sit together. He moved back one row, between two good-looking chicks.
I gave him my three liquor vouchers as a token of appreciation, and I think one of the girls took him up on it!
I used to work as a bouncer at a bar on the upper west side in NYC. I had something to do with my girlfriend one night, so I switched my Thursday night shift with a co-workers Friday night shift. At any rate, he ended up in a brawl with a crew of mobsters from the Bronx, and ended up getting shot in the leg.
Two friends got on the tube together, and found that there were no seats. one of them were pregnant so standing would not have been a very good option for her. The other friend asked a man who was sitting if he wouldn’t mind giving his seat up for the pregnant woman. The man was more than happy to. only then did the non pregnant friend see that the man had no arms and when the train started moving he couldn’t hold on and kept falling over.
I went through a McDonald’s drive through and was short 5 cents and the girl waved me through and said it was ok. I went back through the drive through a week later and the same girl was working, so I gave her a nickel to make up for being short the week before. She had a huge smile and thanked me and went to put the nickel in that automatic change dispenser they have. Somehow the front came off of the dispenser and all the change in it fell out. It was full of change. Change fell out of the drive through window out into the street. She looked like she was about to cry. I parked my car and got out and helped her pick up what I could.
I was working at a photography studio and traded appointments with another photographer. He ended up with 2 screaming 3- and 4- year old girls who cried for an hour while their mother and grandmother tried to force them to cooperate. It was 8 AM.
One holiday season I had procrastinated on purchasing my plane ticket home and the cost of the ticket went through the roof to the point where it was completely unaffordable, determined to make it there, I decided that I would simply take Greyhound.
If you’ve never taken Greyhound, it’s a real delight. I boarded the bus and it was very crowded and there were only a few seats available, most of them next to some pretty surly looking young men. I approached the first one, “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” “yeah” the guy nodded. Ok, on to the next. “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” “yeah” the seconded guy replied as he laughed and look at his friend sitting in the seat in front of him. Ok, now I get it, fair enough. I go to the third guy. Uh, hey look man, this bus is sold out so either I’m sitting here or someone else will be so take your pick. Third guy moves his backpack off the empty seat and I sit down. No sooner do I sit down, but another man boards the bus. He appears homeless, and by that, I mean he appears to have shat himself, and then bathed in motor-oil and brushed his teeth with a tin of sardines. He walks right up to the first guy and collapses in the seat next to him.
Next up is a rather obese woman, I’m thinking maybe 300lbs and some change. She’s wearing a mumu, sweating profusely (it’s 55 degrees fahrenheit outside) and is carrying two arm loads of various cheese and meat snacks for the trip. She squeezes into her seat and plasters the second guy up against the window as he tries in vain to avoid having to touch her.
At this point, I stand up to remove my coat and say, “Hey guys, great choices!” giving them both the thumbs up!
24. Uh, whoops
In 9th grade, our teacher handed back our Algebra test and I had missed 2 problems on it. I wanted to know what the right answers were so I asked the girl next to me if she got them right. She looks at her test and sees that she did so she tells me what she came up with. Our answers were the same but mine were marked wrong and hers were marked right. We bring our sheets up to the teacher and she re-evaluates our tests. Ends up that we were both wrong but the teacher just messed up grading the girls test. She marks them wrong and gives the girl a lower grade. I felt so bad since she was just trying to help me out. Sad part is I had a huge crush on her so my chances went out the door with this incident.