14. God, He is everywhere

God, I can’t believe I’m saying this. I first started shaving my lady region early on simply because I didn’t like the sight of hairs down there, we’re talking maybe 13-14 years old. I was not aware of what the red and white bumps were that formed occasionally after shaving. At this age, I was super keen on “correcting” my body to make it look pretty and perfect, so before a shower, I noticed the bumps and decided to get a better look, maybe there were more underneath? Grabbing a stool, I sat on top, legs spread wide and my head bent over myself since my skin discovery led me to find a particularly painful razor burn zit thing right on along the area where my thigh meets my fun bits. My mom, who never knocked before opening the door to tell me something while I was in the shower, proceeds to barge on in and catches sitting spread eagle on the stool, naked, hunched over and what looked like fingering myself. She yelled and slammed the door shut while I sat there mortified. After my shower, i decided that she wouldn’t think I was doing anything if I asked her what the bumps were… To which she quickly said “I don’t need to hear about your excuses. What you do.. Just know that god is watching.”

She never has opened a door without knocking since, especially when it comes to where I might be. – Ghettowarlock

15. A new way of looking at pens

Remember Squiggle Wiggle Writers? I don’t know if they’re in production anymore, but man those were awesome vibrators. Anyway, I was around 12 and I’d discovered this cool fact.

Now, I’ve always been a huge bookworm, to the point where my parents and teachers were very worried about me, and I’d usually read until very late in the evenings. My parents would come in and check on me a few times each night and tell me to go to sleep, and this one time I was awake, but not reading at all…

Being a child and panicking when I heard someone open the door to my room, I quickly hid the Wiggle Writer under my mattress, but I didn’t have the time to pull up my pyjamas bottoms, so I just pull the covers up to my chin, and so my dad pokes his head in and was like: “Are you reading?” and I go: “No! Not at all!” and he came in and was like: “Give me the book.” which just made things worse, because I didn’t have any book to give, so I just hide my hands under my covers and say: “Dad. I don’t have any book.” in a panicky voice, knowing full well what is about to go down. My dad then decides to pull my covers off in one big sweeping motion, hoping to reveal this piece of literature that is keeping me up and remove it from my room.

Instead, however, he just looks down at my pyjamas trousers around my ankles with a goofy face and says: “Uh. What is that?” and in a despairing voice I go: “Those are my pants…”, completely stone faced. He didn’t reply, he just put the covers down and left without looking me in the eyes. I’m just hoping he didn’t see the Squiggle Wiggle Writer.

TL;DR: Got caught masturbating with a Squiggle Wiggle Writer by my Dad, who thought I was reading. – DoorkMatter