24. You can do it! Come on!

When I was about 4 or 5 a few of my cousins were over visiting and we were swimming in the pool. I always really looked up to them because they’re 8-12 years older than me and of course I wanted to emulate them. So, we’re swimming in the pool when my cousin Jonathan decides to rip a massive fart underwater. Obviously, being the kids we are, this is fucking hilarious and Nathaniel (other cousin) and I try to out-fart Jonathan.

Nathaniel farts a few times and we busted a gut laughing and now it’s my turn to save face and become ‘one of the guys’. I strain and strain and a few little toots blossom forth but nothing great. The guys are really egging me on now and I start to push harder than ever in an attempt to be cool. ‘At last!’ I thought, as my sphincter stretches apart for what I’m sure is about to be the most epic fart ever seen by my cousins.

It was shit. In the pool.

I just remember laughing so fucking hard even though my swimming shorts were housing a log of brown polonium. My cousins were in absolute hysterics. I got out of the pool, still laughing, and proceeded to tell my mother what happened. She grabbed the garden hose, turned it on full blast, and roared, ‘if you’re gonna behave like an animal then you’re gonna be cleaned like an animal!’ I was then blasted with 55F water.

I’m 22 now and I still haven’t lived this down and I swear to Christ that this story is told at least once at every family get-together we’ve ever had since. It’s not so embarrassing now because I was so young, but I still cannot believe that I did it. – XtortionBear

25. Didn’t you know?

I was a very naive kid growing up. I liked video games and computers – but my family wanted me to try out sports every once in a while, just to see if it was something that would interest me.

So my Dad and I went down to the local sign-ups for T-ball when I was 5. Practices went okay…I wasn’t good at it, but I tried. Of course, being the overweight gullible nerd on the team I was subject to a lot of ridicule.

It was our first game and all the parents were there, including my Dad. It was the 4th inning and I was playing center field. I had to piss REALLY bad, so I asked the guy playing right field where the bathroom was. Without skipping a beat, he said “Don’t you know how they pee in the major leagues??? They drop their pants and spin around in a circle while they pee. It helps the lawn grow out here!”

Naturally, I went along with this and promptly pulled dropped trow and let ‘er rip. EVERYBODY is laughing…except for my Dad, who promptly got out of the bleachers and left the game. He came back 45 minutes after the game was over to pick me up.

I’m reminded about this at least 2-3 times a year. – OpenThirdEye