1. Here, take a painkiller.
My granny was awesome. Hilarious, offensive, inappropriate, etc. My cousin and I once got arrested in Mexico and had to bribe the cops. She was the only one in the family we told about the incident, she reimbursed us the bribe money we paid.
Anyway, she got really sick and was in and out of the hospital. I had a new girlfriend I really wanted her to meet so I brought my girlfriend for the weekend to visit a couple weeks before my birthday. Right before I leave, she has two things to say. First, “I really like that girl, if you ever break up with her I won’t talk to you anymore.” Second, “I’m probably going to die before your birthday, so here’s 50 bucks and one of my pain pills, you gotta try them, they’re great.” That was the last thing she said to me, she died a week later. RIP Granny, I miss you. – Monkey_Fist
2. I have a question for you and it’s really important.
I had a conversation with my grandma on the phone when I was a kid, which led to one of the strangest questions she had ever asked me, “smbeas, do… do you like leaves?” The question hit me like a truck, I’d never thought about it before. I began to wonder if I liked leaves or if I hated them. This process took all about 3 seconds before I replied, “Yeah, grandma, I do like leaves.” The next card I got in the mail from her had a stack of leaves in it. – smbeas
3. I know you need these for the boys…
The second week of college, my grandma sent me an envelope with two pairs of hot pink and purple fishnet underwear (totally see through) and $4 in singles. I’m still not sure what she was trying to say. The next month, she sent me a box of Corn Flakes, and inside that box was a box of Mini Wheats. – cylonsympathizer
4. This is how much I care about you.
My grandma mailed me her hearing aid batteries inside of a Christmas card. It had my name on it an everything. When I called to explain to her what had happened, she couldn’t hear me. – tmekk
5. Here’s some…money.
Growing up, my Grandma used to give me a twenty dollar bill whenever my parents and I went to see her. I would grin every time because in my mind it meant a new power ranger toy. Now I’m eighteen and she’s ninety-one. Her hearing is bad, she can barely see and she most likely has some form of dementia. She doesn’t have twenties in her purse anymore, so when she slips an imaginary bill into my hand saying “Spend it in the best of health”, I say “I will grandma” and slide it into my pocket. – youlosepoints
6. Then why does it move?
My mormon step-grandmother bought me a vibrator… She thought it was meant for massages. Very awkward Christmas to a 14-year-old girl being asked to walk around the room and rub people’s backs with it. – Breheart
7. The postman will take care of it.
Milk. By UPS. From Texas to California. In the middle of summer. Think about it. – sifu_scott
8. Just in case there’s a zombie attack.
My grandfather sent me a case of .22 shells and a gallon on windshield wiper fluid. My freshman year of college, living in the dorms, with no car, and definitely no gun. – KTrout17
9. He’ll need it…someday.
I got a car tire from my grandfather once just in case I needed it. He didn’t even give it to my parents or brother but to the one person in the family that didn’t even have her license at the time. He brought it over JUST for me. I was so confused. – [deleted]
10. Must touch…for science…
An older man with an accent at a party asked me “May I please touch your neck?” (at the time it was a good bit wider than my head). Being a good sport I said “yeah.” He proceeded to go on about how he was fascinated by the neck muscles of well built men, while pressing my neck muscles and pushing my head from side to side. His wife confirmed this and told me he often asks young men if he can look at/examine their necks and they always say no, and that it was a pretty big day for him. TL;DR: I have a massive neck and let an old man touch it. For Science. – DeLaRey
11. You are such a nice young man.
I work at an independent movie theater in the town next to mine, and the audience is primarily elderly folk. One day a woman came in and I happened to be selling the tickets. She came up to my register and bought two tickets for herself and her husband. I rang her up and gave her the change, and she said she had something for my service. I assumed that she would hand me back the few dollars of change I had given her. Instead, she dug into her purse and gave me an old, half full chapstick. She told me to have a nice day. I got trolled by an old woman. – 0alien
12. Wait, I did what?
When I got married, my wife’s parents elderly neighbor gave us a Crown Royal bag full of gold coins. Each one was like .8 ounces of gold, and the total value at the time was around $12k.
Long story short, he was fairly senile, and when we went to thank him in person, it became quite clear that he had no idea what he had given us, so we gave it back. He insisted, so I told him we’d keep one coin and it was still too generous of him. – ShillinTheVillain
13. It’s been quite some time since I’ve been wet.
A few years ago at a family Christmas party, my great grandmother decided to have a glass of spiked eggnog. Later on, my mom wanted me to take a picture with my now tipsy great grandmother. I sat down next to her and she leaned over and said, “I haven’t been with a man in a very long time.” Hearing this mortified me. I told my mom to hurry up and take the picture, and then walked away rather quickly. She then kissed me on the cheek. I was a bit freaked out for the rest of the evening because of that… – TheDolphinMan
14. No comment.
Yeah, I said it.
I’m not ashamed, either. She was a widow, 74, but could have passed for 60 in soft lighting (and did). I was a horny 19-year-old. There wasn’t any abuse or coercion involved on either side. I was working for a tree-trimming company for the summer, and we had a contract to do an assisted living home’s trees. A nice old gal was having lunch on the patio of her little age 55+ apartment when I came by to prune her maple.
She offered me a sandwich and a cold glass of water, I accepted, we got to talking, she invited me in, gave me head in her handicapped-accessible bathroom (it had a seat in the shower and grab bars by the toilet — I made some use of the latter) and then sent me on my way. Nice old gal. I like to think I made her life more exciting.
The funny thing was, she chased me out right after not because she was embarrassed about hooking up with a guy her grandkids’ age, but because she was worried that her CNA would come in and think she had someone under 55 living with her. – SoftYakEarmark
15. Christmas gifts!
My grandmother always used to give my mum money for my Christmas and birthday because she didn’t feel like like she knew what I would like.
One time she actually did buy me something when I was like 11, it was a little book for a 6 yr old with buttons built in to look like a piano and it had songs like Mary had a little lamb (3 2 1 2 3 3 3 2 2 2 3 3 3).
She immediately realised her mistake and apologised for giving me a baby present.
I learnt every single fucking one of those songs by heart.
I miss her so much. – evilbrent
16. I’ve got your back, bro.
My very old fashioned christian grandma gave me a giant box of magnum condoms before I left for college. Fortunately it wasn’t already opened. – Erobre
17. Looking out for you.
My grandma gave me a rape whistle for Christmas. – TerrorTabby
18. What’s this? A myPhone?
My grandma was looking for her cellphone and was very frustrated because she was already late for something.
My great-grandma, wanting to be helpful, picked up a small pencil sharpener in the shape of a squash and asked “IS THIS A CELLPHONE?!?!?!”
Omg, my sister and I DIED laughing. – BinderStapleTape
19. I thought you should see these.
One Valentine’s Day, my grandmother sent me a package. I opened it, and a cigarette butt fell out (she was a chain smoker).
Inside the package was a nightshirt for a 40-something woman with some kind of middle aged witticism (wildly inappropriate for middle school aged me), and a card.
The card was an uplifting Valentine’s message, and enclosed were before and after photos of my grandfather’s recently removed skin cancer. – microminimalist
20. Oh grandma!
Once my grandma brought dish towels for my new apartment in college. I was sharing it with my girlfriend that she hadn’t met yet. She expressed a bit of embarrassment later, when she thought I wasn’t there, since the towels were watermelon themed. Black girlfriend. – thelordofcheese
21. He’s how old?
When I was a freshman in high school we visited my grandfather in Korea, and he kept on thinking I was 6-years-old, so every time he’d see me he would hand me boxes of Choco Pies or other Korean snack cakes. By the time we left I had about ten boxes of half eaten Korean Ding Dongs in my luggage, and I kept every single one of those.
Alzheimer’s is a helluva disease. – ArrenPawk
22. Grandma knows just the thing!
Easter morning (keep in mind I’m 20 at the time), I come walking down the stairs to say hi to everyone Easter morning. I walk into the kitchen and I see three Easter baskets. I see my name and thank my Grandmother for getting me one. I then proceed to look into the basket and I see a 20 pack of condoms and lubrication. Thanks grammie… – jbrown88
23. SERIOUSLY? FOR CHRISTMAS?
My grandparents are known for being cheap. One of the legendary stories in our family is the time my grandmother gave my aunt canned ham for Christmas. My dad had just started dating my mom and thought it was a joke so he burst out laughing. My mom had to usher him out of the room and explain it to him.
Oh, and my grandma is a millionaire so it kind of makes her cheapness even more comical. – Kaytala
24. You’re a man now. *wink*
When I graduated from high school, my grandma came over and presented me with a lovely gift bag. Inside was a six pack of beer and a hustler magazine.
She said, “You’re an adult now. Enjoy.”
One of the pictures in the magazine was of a girl urinating on a rock. My grandma quipped, “They certainly didn’t have those types of pictures in the blue rags back in my day.”
It was a nice family afternoon. – [deleted]
25. GRANDMA I’M FUCKING 8, HOW CAN I CASH THIS IN????
One year for my birthday (I was maybe 8?), my Grandma gave me a check for like 21 cents.
Later that day, my Grandma gave me another check for like 36 cents.
It was a great Birthday. – Adaptingfate
26. Nana’s done it again!
I had just celebrated my 12th birthday and pulled into the driveway after dinner with my parents and went up to the front door to see three pair of thongs/sexy underwear hanging on the doorknob outside and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, along with a card signed “Nana”. My mom was all WTF. But the last Christmas she was alive she got me a pink snuggie. I miss her sometimes.