1. You have a picture posing with two girls at a bar. I just have an aversion to the pimp pictures. I realize this is unfair. They’re probably your best friends and holding up your drunken body while the bartender shouts, “last call,” but I’m not willing to risk giving you the benefit of the doubt.
2. You call yourself a “producer.” We live in a college town in the Pacific Northwest. Just what are you a producer of? How do you make money off of it? Maybe I actually should swipe right on this guy one day so I can get my questions answered.
3. Shirtless, abs. I guess I’d rather see you with a shirt and a smile and maybe also a puppy or two thrown in there somewhere.
4. You claim to both work and play hard. I’m going to assume you’re the male equivalent of a basic bitch.
5. “Just looking to meet cool people and have some fun” and flake on our first date.
6. You know someone I know, and I don’t like them. Which actually isn’t fair because maybe you also don’t like them either but enjoy hate-reading their statuses as much as I do. True love has been built on lesser foundations.
7. We went out once before and it was just awful so then I deleted Tinder and then I downloaded it again a few nights later when I was wine-drunk and then I saw you and I started to feel really awkward.
8. Self-proclaimed world travelers. You probably start conversations with “Have any adventures this summer?” Yes, I did! I worked the whole time and played too much beer pong in my front lawn with my 30 year-old neighbors. I’m just going to go ahead and assume I am not the girl you’re looking for.
9. All party pics. Nope, just kidding — I actually kind of love this guy, even though I should probably grow out of that.
10. You’re “active.” Because I’m not and I just want someone who likes cuddling and movies and naps at 2 pm. Yes, it would be healthy to find someone to draw me out but I’m rather happy right here with my couch and the season finale of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, thank you very much.
11. I asked you how you’re doing. You said “great!” and asked nothing in return to keep the conversation going.
12. You’ve linked to your Instagram account. I don’t know why this is a thing? It makes me assume you’re on Tinder for the Instagram follows. To quote every Bachelor(ette) contestant ever, “you’re not here for the right reasons.”
13. You’re 23 or younger. Or even 24. Older men, please! Give me time-won cynicism or give me death!
14. You are holding a reptile in your picture. Though I did make an exception to this once and ended up on a really lovely date with a really great guy. Take your deal breakers with a grain of salt, ladies.
15. You’re not very handsome. Because I’m human and I like ‘em tall and good-looking. Ideally with exceptionally long eyelashes as well.