1. You will fall in love with any sketch-ball who plays “Sunday Morning” by Marroon 5, regardless of his off-key singing and intellectual mediocrity. If he sings on key AND has a clean apartment, go ahead and order cookie dough in bulk because it’s gonna be a long winter, sweetheart.
2. You follow Cosmo on twitter even though they semi-regularly post highly offensive and sexist articles about “50 Ways to Please Your Man.” You will read through the terrible and bigoted advice only to remember that you don’t actually have a man. Good thing we pre-ordered that cookie dough!
3. You believe that consuming raw cookie dough is the cure to any and every emotional struggle.
4. You get Starbucks every day…. Until your bank account balance becomes lower than the price of your drink-of-choice. This is also the only time you pay for anything with cash. 99 cent slurpee? Let me just get my debit card. Sometimes you settle for a pike roast when you’re desperate.
5. You will NEVER get rid of your Netflix account, even though ninety percent of your life involves you stressing about the possibility of the monthly $7.99 overdrawing your bank account. Binge watching an entire season of Parks and Rec is a great distraction from your disappointing love life, finances, and job.
6. You think lunchables are a legitimate meal. You also tell people that you “cooked at home tonight” in an attempt to sound more responsible. Lunchables totally count as cooking.
7. Your friends understand the struggle. You don’t even know what a 401K is and the cashier at Target is considered a desirable relationship candidate. Actually, anyone with a job is an ideal candidate.
8. There is at least one item is your fridge that is well beyond it’s expiration date. You swear you’re going to throw away that month-old soy milk like so soon.
9. Paying your phone bill is your main accomplishment nearly every month. The fact that your phone service hasn’t been shut down in the past year leads you to believe that you are a pinnacle of responsibility. Your friends have confirmed this.
10. You listen to Taylor Swift and absolutely relate to it. You’ve already dated Dear John, You Belong With Me, Red, and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. You’re still waiting for your Hey Stephen.