Let’s face it, it’s Tuesday night and your options are service at the Baptist Campus Ministry, staring at your Facebook news feed, or twelve shots of tequila and some questionable decision making. There’s just not that much to do in college. Sure, you could study –and you probably should- but when is the last time studying got you laid? Even better than that, when was the last time studying got you a story worthy of a call to your high school best friend? That’s right, never. Drinking can make anything interesting. Suddenly your university-provided cable options of Canadian Hockey or the Regular Show are very much worthy of inviting people over. The most mundane and innocent activities are suddenly a blast, baking a pie, coloring, and wearing sunglasses indoors have never been so exciting!
No one has money in college. This is one of the most wonderful things about college, and also one of the worst. Maybe if you or your friends had money you could go watch a movie or have a nice dinner, but priorities are priorities. When it comes down to it, on a good day, you have twenty bucks and your choices are a meal at Applebee’s or enough vodka to earn you 6 IOUs and a blow job. That ramen is sounding mighty good, isn’t it?
College is when the first inkling of adulthood sets in. You have a job, probably some bills, deadlines, and a whole bunch of shit on your plate now. And that really blows. As soon as you realize how much your life sucks, you begin to see that the shit will only pile higher after college. Sometime during freshman year, you will have a life motto that goes something like this, “When else will I be able to get embarrassingly drunk on a Monday night,” and so begins your acceptance of the fact that drinking is not only a valid use of time, but an American pastime and a widely celebrated hobby.
If life is awkward, then college is really awkward. In college, you spend ninety nine percent of your time with people you barely know and you probably even live with them. The easiest way for most people to come out of their awkward turtle shells is a little dose of Jack, so go ahead, have a drink or seven. These people won’t be strangers when you wake up tomorrow.
You have forty eight hours to write three papers and learn an entire semester worth of statistics, and you are freaked the fuck out. What better way to distract yourself from your problems and ease your worrying than taking jello shots and exploring the inside of that exchange student’s mouth? Drinking is the best OTC for stress, that’s all there is to it.
Drunk people are funny. Well, actually drunk people are idiots. And, yes, you are an idiot when you’re drunk, but that fact doesn’t seem to be so important when your six best friends are acting just as stupid as you are. Additionally, you will probably end up babysitting or DDing at some point, so in the end, the ratio of watching hilarious drunk people as opposed to being that drunk person works out in your favor.