My life motto should be, “been there, done that.” Especially when it comes to relationships.
I’ve seen it all. I’ve been with the emotionally distant artsy guy, the meaty airhead athlete, the rough frat boy, the sociopath, the clingy lovebird, the socially awkward video game enthusiast, and a wide array of fuckboys that come in all colors, shapes, personalities, but typically similar haircuts (truth).
As a young woman who still doesn’t know exactly who I am and what I want, I look around me and find the same disposition in the people surrounding me, especially at this age and especially young women and girls.
All our lives we’ve been told, “Don’t initiate anything with him, wait for him to chase YOU.”
But what happens when he doesn’t? Are we going to sit at home on our beds and cry and imagine the fantasy fairytale of the “perfect relationship” where the guy of the moment falls seamlessly into the role of Mr. Right?
We want that fairytale fantasy. We daydream about it in our free time, we hope that every crush turns into the last one and when it doesn’t, we fall to pieces and promise ourselves that we’ll never get our hearts broken again. But then, guy #2 comes around (or #3, or #700) and the cycle begins all over again.
And when it doesn’t work out…it’s because he ruined the fantasy fairytale script that was ingrained in our minds of exactly how everything should play out and when it doesn’t, we’re disappointed and heartbroken because we held this person up to such a high standard in our minds. Why didn’t you follow the script? Didn’t you know that we were supposed to fall in love, and that you were supposed to realize that I could be the girl for you and maybe, just maybe, that fairytale could’ve been us?
I’ve seen this over and over again in my life, my friends’ lives, and even stranger’s lives. It’s a real thing. I know that I have experienced it myself countless times, and each time leaves me more heartbroken and alone than the last.
We’re so caught up in achieving this fairytale that we don’t stop to think:
“…Wait. Maybe I’m putting this person into a role that he was never meant to play in my life. Maybe this isn’t supposed to work out, because we aren’t compatible with each other. And hell, maybe I’m not even READY for a relationship because I still hardly know how to love myself?!”
We’re so focused on this romantic fairytale that it overcomes us and gradually becomes a part of our identity, leaving us feeling broken when they leave us, because we consider half of our identity to be Mr. Right, whoever that may be, instead of being 100% whole as we already are, and the addition of another person would be a positive addition to our already whole self, instead of filling in the blanks of our fragmented identity. More often that not, we see ourselves as 50% of an identity and wait for that fairytale to come along and complete us until we’re 100%, instead of focusing on seeing ourselves as a complete identity, not waiting for someone to come along and “complete us” because we’re already our own, whole, complete person.
It all comes down to mindfulness. It’s about being aware of your feelings and imagination, and not letting yourself devalue your own identity to the point where you need a guy to come along and make you feel complete.
We need to love ourselves first, not wait for someone to come do it for us.
You’re beautiful and strong and until “Mr. Right” actually DOES come along, you don’t have to worry about making him complete you because you’ve already completed yourself. Love yourself first.