To The Boy I Wanted To Love Who Never Gave Me The Chance

I’m sorry. I’m sorry we wasted each other’s time. I’m sorry none of our plans or promises came to life. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were the only one. I’m sorry I gave you a chance to love me. I’m sorry I believed you. I’m sorry you believed. I’m sorry I let you hurt me. I’m sorry I loved you.

You were my heaven. I cannot find any other word to describe what we had. I’ve had lovers I’ve been with for years, but none ever came close to how you made me feel and to think we were together for barely three months. You were ecstasy. Delicious. Enticing. Addicting. Deadly.
And you killed me. I was recovering from a bloody heartache- a relationship that I have been struggling to get out from for years. With the warmest smile and kindest gestures that I have not seen nor felt in a while, I was saved and yours for the taking. I had every intention and reason not to welcome you in my life but I did anyways.

You were young and reckless. I was matured and calculated. What you need, I provided. What I lack, you compensated. We were a perfect match. Maybe that is why we burnt out. We were on fire- fuelled by your desires for me and my need for you until eventually the flames was put out. And I was left burnt.

Now that the smoke has cleared and wounds are now scars. I look back to the heaven that you had made and I wondered if I ever really love you as much as I made it appear to be? As much as I thought I did? Was I just on my way? Did I ever get there to begin with?

You made me smile but not laugh. I made you a sonnet from the unfinished piece I was going to make for a past lover. Aside from that leftover piece, you were not able to extract enough creative juice (or feeling) from me for you to be immortalized into words. For Valentine’s Day, I took you out for pizza and a movie, and not a love letter or gift was given. Not even a romantic event that was expected of a hopeless romantic like me- the kind of event I’ve staged for the men I’ve loved before you. I never got you a birthday gift or event; instead I made you a collage that I rushed so I can send it online to you at exactly 12am. I never cooked you a meal and we relied on delivery every time you would ask for food.

I never associated a love song with you or any memory of you except with those sad and bitter love songs I was inclined to for a few days or so after our break-up. I never introduced you to my family whereas I was a household name in your home even before I gave you my yes. I never loved you enough.

Maybe that is why it stings like hell when we ended. I never did. Because I never had the chance. Because you decided two months was enough when all along I thought I had more time. You made me feel like we had more time.

I wanted so badly to love you – love you more than I’ve ever loved any one in my life. I wanted to quench your thirst by showering you with my love. I had plans. Plans I can only think of doing with you. There are so many places to go to. So many poems and letters left to write. So many movies to see and songs to choose from as our theme song. So many arguments left unresolved or to resolve. So many pictures to take and share. So many memories to make. So much more of me to give. So much love in me to share and so little of your time to spare.

In the end, there were only lessons learned. I should have loved you more and better when I had the chance. I should have made the most out of those days when we were still madly in love with each other. Maybe I would not have as much regrets right now because the pain I can get over from, but the regret will haunt me longer. My only comfort in our ending was that everything that has happened to us, was what should have happened to us.

You were meant to wait until I was broken so you can come into my life and fix me. I was meant to give you a chance with a hope against all hopes. You were meant to love me and I was meant to love you back. You were meant to change your mind (and heart) over night. I was meant to lose you that day. You were meant to hurt me so much to teach me to survive on my own- to learn how to let go and move on and you were meant to prove what I refused to learn with all my heartaches – I was strong enough by myself.

No one knows if we will ever have the chance to do it over again one day, when we’re older and our minds are less hectic and scared. No one knows if I will forget our plans and us, altogether so I can have new plans with a new love. But know that if I had to choose today, I want it to be you again. Over and over again. Until then, let me fulfil the plans I had made for myself before you came. Let me love myself more before I can give it back so someone else- someone worthy. I truly think that doing so would make the pain of our ending worth it.

I don’t really know if I did love you as much as I claimed- as much as the tears I shed when you left me in a heartbeat. But I want you to know, I really wanted to. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I could. I would have loved you all my life. TC mark

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