I always catch myself recently thinking about the plans we have in the future.
I would wait for you to finish your degree while I already have a job in the city. Hopefully, we would have the guts to share unapologetically in the world how beautiful our relationship is and how our experience of love is what everyone is suppose to feel.
No matter how many times these plans cross my mind, we are still over now. And all these beautiful things for our future together do not make sense anymore.
Admittedly, I know I fell short in so many levels of our relationship. I do not deny as well that I have an exterior that is too intense for you to take – cold, hard and stoic. Despite all these, I do not apologize for pushing you away when I need to breathe because keeping you close at times where I know it will just cause greater mess is something I always try to avoid. But this was our fault line.
Earlier in our relationship, when I ask you to stay away for a while, you always didn’t. This situation was repeated multiple times, I could not track how many until it came to a point where I got worse. I want to believe this was the part that you got really tired and weary of me. But in my defense, I always, always came back after I had my moments.
You were the first person I completely opened up to about my hidden dreams and fears because you felt like home. I gave you parts of me that I only knew existed when I started loving you. I shared with you all my beautiful and ugly thoughts about everything that I consider sacred personally. I gave you my whole heart because it loved the shelter you offered. I went out of my comfort zone to love you more than the way I can, and if all these things were not enough for me to be the one you deserved, I’m really, deeply sorry.
The way it happened was not abrupt. It killed both of us slowly for more than a month until we finally reached the end.
I did not just lose a lover. I lost the person who believed in me in everything, I lost the person who care to always get my coffee right. I lost someone who is not a morning person but is always down to have breakfast with me since that day I knocked at her door at 7 am in the morning. I lost my number one supporter, my study buddy, and partner in literally just everything.
Believe it or not, I did everything there was to pick up what’s left from the mess we made, but I was not capable to save the both of us alone. I needed you, but you were tired and drained so you left.
I’m not easy to handle. None of us are. I could not blame you for letting me go, but you could not blame me neither for hoping that you hold me tighter instead and had a little more faith.
I’ve been through worse that makes none of this something I’m not capable to manage. Don’t worry about me, I will be happy and be at my best self again, just like what you wanted for me. I hope same goes with you—just do the things that bring out your best self, happiness and fulfillment—those are all I wanted for you anyway, even if you’re not with me anymore.