1. I wish I could’ve talked to you about how serious your problems were getting. I’m someone who doesn’t let many people into my life, because I know what it feels like to have a part of yourself walk away with someone, even acquaintances. When you open up to someone, they become a part of your story. I wish you would have let me have a bigger role in your story.
2. I wish I could tell you that know what it’s like to wake up and feel like nothing around you is worth going through another day, or that life is completely meaningless. I know that when you’re in that state of mind, it’s hard to really hear the kind words of another person. Maybe if we could have just sat there in silence together, just thinking and waiting for the moment of insight when we realize that life isn’t as bad as it was a few hours ago, you would be here with me right now. And we could do it all over again, if you needed to.
3. I wish I could tell you all the things that I kept from you. Like that time you made me cry in middle school after you told me that I was being a mean girl. Or that I used to drink a lot when I was alone, because I have been really unhappy, too. I wish I could tell you these things because you’d be upset with me for keeping secrets, and then we’d get to talk about all the things that you didn’t tell me, like the fact that you were dying on the inside this whole time.
4. I wish I could tell you all of the great things about you. The way you laughed until you were doubled over, the way that you looked so earnest when you gave me advice, the way that you told me that you loved me and that we would always be best friends. And you meant it. Other people said it, but they didn’t say it like you. That was another great thing about you. You were always you, and now that you’re gone, there is no one that will be you. You may not have felt that way when you left, but I know it to be true.
5. I wish I could tell you that criticism should only go so far. I’ve been called too fat, too stupid, too ugly, too incompetent, too sullen, and you told me that you were called some of those things, too. But, if I had known you were carrying around all those insults with you, I would have taken some of the burden, gladly.
6. I wish I could tell you that I know you’re in heaven. If there is a God, you are up there with Him. He probably gave you a big hug. Save one for me, and tell the big man that I’m not so bad so that I can join you up there one day.
7. I wish I could tell you that the day you died, I knew that my life would never be the same. In fact, a lot of people knew that. Your beautiful, young face will haunt my dreams after I saw the way you looked in your casket. Watching you being placed in a hole in the ground wasn’t something that any of us wanted. You may have thought that the world would have one less burden with you around, I know, because you told me it would be. But, the only burden we’ve ever had from you is knowing that you suffered all those years and kept it to yourself, until you couldn’t take it anymore.
8. I wish I could tell you that if we had grown up together, we would have lived together and experienced so much of life side by side. We would have gotten a dog together, we would have job hunted together and commiserated together about our pasts. And then, we would have gotten over those pasts together, and made a future that is so beautiful that we wouldn’t be able to dwell on the past once we got there.
9. I wish I could tell you that I still love you, and that I will always love you. You thought that you were the one that was taking from me, all those nights that you cried on my shoulder or laughed off life’s struggles with me. You thought that you were someone to be taken care of, someone who was dependent and needy and scared. But you gave me more strength to conquer my world than anyone, because you’d always get back on your feet. Except that last day. I think back on those nights with you and only wish that they could happen all over again, cycling, for the rest of my life, except for your last day. Because that is all I will ever have of you, and that is all I’ll ever need, even though I still wantmore. You were my best friend, and the glue that held my rambling life together. I wish I could tell you that.