You may be thinking… what is this girl’s problem? How the hell does she think that this is okay? I get it, I totally do. I am mainly writing about my odd scenario because I ironically believe that I am not alone; I believe there are thousands of women who are in the same, sad boat as I am. How did I get to this level? This isn’t my character. I was raised differently, and know what’s right from wrong; and this is definitely so wrong.
I agree; sleeping with two different guys is not something to brag about. It isn’t something I am proud of… but sadly, my vulnerability caught me at the weakest moment once again, and I fell for the camouflaging deception. Here is how:
I fell in love, with the man who took my virginity. We met at co-workers, and were continuously on-and-off, but he always found his way back to me. He treated me like a woman, rather than some immature girl. He made me feel completely special, both on the inside and out. Sadly, the timing for this romance was completely off, with me just starting up at school and him just receiving a new, time-consuming job. When I say that it was the hardest thing to leave him, I am telling the complete truth; the worst kind of heartbreak is when it isn’t wanted, but it needs to be done.
In the fall, I met someone new at school. He was drop-dead gorgeous, and had a smile that could melt any heart. We completely hit it off from the moment we met, and we just moved very fast. Only just a few weeks later, I slept with him. I didn’t regret it either, because even though it is hard to believe, he made me forget about my first love very quickly, and made me realize there are other good guys out there. Well, so I thought… about a month or so later, we decided to be just friends, for reasons I don’t need to mention.
So there it was; I was left without either guy, and for two very different reasons. And sadly, I cared for both of them so much. Then, a few months later, it began again. The flame rekindled… not just with one of them, but with both.
When I went home, I would see my first love, the one whom I met at the wrong time. As things progressed in his work, and he started to get the hang of things, he found a way to fit me into his life.
When I was on campus, I would see the other guy, who can easily say or do anything to make me fall for him again; and he knew he had this controlling power over me.
So, as you can guess, I began sleeping with both guys. Neither of them knew about the other.
I felt so bad, so dirty, and so weak. But then, I began to think about it all; am I really in the wrong? I fell in love with both of these men at two different points in my life… so what happens when they both come back? Deep down, I know what was going through my mind, and it pains me to say it: out of the fear of choosing just one of them and them breaking my heart, I chose both, so if one hurts me, I will not be alone.
I think this is due to the fact of how many times I was hurt in past relationships, and also because both of these guys have hurt me once before.
How could I be so completely selfish? To give myself to two different people like that… the sad thing is, is that I care so much about both of them, that I let them do what they want. They don’t even try to establish a “label” or a serious commitment, because they both know how much I love them. They both get what they want from me, and I don’t know how to get myself out of this terrifying mess.
How do you break free of something toxic for you, without hurting yourself?
Maybe it’s time for me to break free. Maybe it’s time to let my guard down completely and say no, hoping that one of them will respect me for it. Maybe it’s time to stand up for years and years of my parents and other’s around me telling me it’s wrong to sleep with two different people. Maybe it’s time for me to move on.