There comes a time in our mid twenties when suddenly all the people you knew and loved and barely said a word to in 9th grade biology class start getting engaged.
You think to yourself a variety of things such as, “When did they even get an S/O?” and “Wow they can do better” to even “I can barely feed myself three times a day or fold my laundry and these people CAN HANDLE A WHOLE OTHER PERSON ATTACHED TO THEM ALL THE TIME?”
So here are the 10 fool proof steps to follow if you plan on getting engaged and shouting to the world “I’M CHANGING MY TAX FORMS!”
1. Post a picture of spontaneous moment taken by a. some lurking friend or b. Professional engagement photographer if you’re fancy. This must be at the top of a hiking trail, a beach, or scenic city. If not might as well not even consider yourself a HUMAN WORTHY OF LOVE.
2. Post a picture announcing you are going to marry your best friend. This of course is replacing your actual life long best friends who you now no longer need since you are oh so to be wed. Remember that romantic partners come before everyone else in your life. Romantic love is the most important thing in the world and if no one wants to marry you; you die from pathetic loneliness.
3. Post a picture proclaiming you are now the future Mr. Or Mrs. Whatever and throw away your last name. This goes for all sexualities. Bonus points if you keep it you progressive thing you! This must be written in fancy script on a rustic chalk board otherwise your name becomes I AM SHIT #245642 on your birth certificate.
4. Post a picture of your hand with THE RING. Become the hand model you’ve always wanted to be. Clutch it, breathe on it, and if anyone tries to touch it scream and hiss and go back to your hideaway in the rocky mountainous abyss.
5. Post a picture of you and your spouse together on this special day! Make sure you pose in such a way that conveys you will be boring parents in 5-10 years.
6. DONT. STOP. POSTING. EVER. The time is now for likes, loves, and wows. No one will ever give you this much attention than this year of your life again. The institution runs real deep and we’re all automatically compelled as humans to like people’s happy events.
7. Post a status about how much you love your family and friends for all the support and congrats. Really drag it out; don’t doubt yourself sunshine, you’re the star of the show !
8. Reinforce to these same friends and family that this is the biggest accomplishment of your life and not your doctorate thesis, or community award, or Nobel peace prize. You dirty ole ragged thing found someone to schtup you on a regular basis for a while! It’s truly something.
9. Record the dress/suit shopping, the planning, the bridal party invites(so everyone knows which friends got snubbed and destined to their fate as lowly regular guests), the bridal shower invites,the golden shower invites, and every time you take a shit because now that shit is ENGAGED.
10. Always remember to make sure you put the GAG in ENGAGED so people like me can be hilarious and bitter for the rest of our sad sad lives!