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Am I Cool

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Am I Cool

if i were to tell you a story about a Man, the discerning reader would put a stop to this right away and say No Thanks, This Seems Like Its Been Done Before. and they would be right, this is true and it has. if i were to tell you a story about several men and women, perhaps this would make for a more Engaging experience. perhaps not. it really is nearly impossible to tell because there is no way of knowing precisely what is going on in your head

perhaps if i told you a story about myself

chapter 1

a small asian girl swam faster than me at the pool today
she was doing dolphin kicks and everything
i got out of the pool to go to the bathroom and her brother took my lane and i wasnt even mad
i think this is a good sign
i think i am a Good person

chapter 2

i am the proud owner slash inventor of the Dankest Spice Rack
possibly of all time
hydroponic rosemary, sage, cumin, thyme etc
theyre actually too potent
eating has become a dreadful chore

chapter 3

LADIES–

hi yes hello there. i am the guy whom make your life complete. w/ lovin yes, but also tender sentiments that have deep, profound meaning custom tailored to your fine butt. before you came along, i was lost. now you are here and i still feel bad about myself, but i feel pretty good about you most of the time. i like the way you look. i like the way you make me feel. i enjoy being in a relationship, haha.

chapter 4

LADIES–

hello yes hi. i am the guy whom sucks. i am the one who ruined your life. i am the boy who made you feel Emotional (bad).

i am the man who wasnt ready to be a dad. these days i identify primarily as an ex-boyfriend. that part doesnt bother me as much as the fact that i forgot my promise to myself, that i made: to Live Every Moment Like It Was My Last (Because it might be)

i spent 17 minutes reading youtube comments on a video of a guy w/ Bad Opinions(ugh) and shaking my head in disgust (wow) i started an alias gmail account and sent messages to all my old friends telling them what i Really think is wrong w/ them. what is wrong w/ me. jeez, i am overwhelmed w/ Feelings. this is the bad part of my life

chapter 5

many dads have been living well out of spite for longer than they can remember
i say soak up the rays when u get the chance, on vacation or any other time u can getaway from the office haha
drive ur red car on the beach. drive ur red car on the beach and into the water
as the car fills up w/ ocean just keep going
remember, you wanted it this way
automatic windows dont work in a submerged vehicles
you will have longer than anticipated to do whatever you want
you could think about whatever you wanted
you could just sit still

chapter 6

i want an army of lovers who defend me and help me w/ my problems comb my hair and keep my house clean and spread rumors about my enemies
i want people to do the things i tell them to do
everyone does, thats what makes us so cool
i wouldnt even bother w/ most people if i didnt believe this

what would u do if a bear raised up on its hind legs at you
would u calmly accept your fate or would you sing to the bear
would you finally put your talent to the test in the ultimate setting

this is it~

chapter 7

slap my body w/ pool noodles until i am bruised and puffy
lock me in the sauna, stick a broom handle in the door handle
i become vapor
hurl jumbo shrimp at my smoldering corpse
it doesnt matter cuz im dead
you can just dump the whole bucket

chapter 8

i am ready to receive and give love
i want to make a personal connection
i want to stick my hand in the computer and touch your bodies
i am ready to die
i am ready to lay down on the ground and fuse w/ sidewalk
i want the kids to walk on my melted husk on the way to school
i am ready to be your boyfriend
i am ready to provide Emotional support
i am stealing your Energy
i am Making Everything About Me Again TC mark

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Read more books in 2018…

Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

Amazon: 4.8/5 stars
Goodreads: 4.29/5 stars

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