Thought Catalog

Honestly, You Fuck Me Up

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 estherhelen
estherhelen

I’ve come to the decision that it’s fundamentally unfair that you exist.

Listen, I’ve been doing my research. For a good solid twenty-five years now I’ve been meeting and analyzing other people. And for the most part, we’re all about equal to each other.

One person may be stunningly brilliant, but another has a voice like an angel.

One person has runway-ready hair, but another can make you laugh until your abs ache from the strain of it.

All-in-all, we’re each just mishmashes of brilliant traits and questionable behaviors; of thoroughly redeeming qualities and downright repulsive tendencies.

Everyone, that is, except you.

Something about you defies all the regular conditions.

Something about the way your eyes glean and your body moves and your presence lights up every room you enter.

Something about the way your mind races and your voice echoes and your confidence and ambition precede you.

Something about the way you hold yourself makes it impossible for people like me to not pine endlessly after people like you.

And Goddammit, not a bit of it is fair.

Your hair shouldn’t be allowed to smell that good. Your laugh shouldn’t be allowed to be that melodic. Your skin shouldn’t be allowed to be that cold to the touch, it makes me want to wrap myself around you and never let go.

Honestly, no one should be able to affect me this viscerally.

You have an effect on me that makes me forget how to speak, how to breathe, how to function like a grown-up human being with a quarter of a century of life behind them.

You bring me back to my absolute most primal roots – the ones that quiver with excitement and uncertainty each time they get approach something so blindingly magnificent.

Quite frankly, you fuck me up.

You make me forget that I’m a grown-ass adult, with a full-time job and a list of accomplishments and the ability to sustain my own livelihood.

You make me forget that I am not a nerve-wracked twelve-year old, doodling your name next to my name on my binder.

You make me feel ridiculously nervous. Ridiculously awkward. Ridiculously green, even as someone who’s been around the block a couple times.

You make me feel the way I honestly didn’t know I still could, a quarter of a century into my existence.

The thought of you thrills me. It exhausts me. It terrifies me, down to my very core.

The fact that someone like you even exists seems fundamentally unfair to every other human who is forced to exist on the planet at the exact same time as you.

And yet, I’m so Goddamned glad that we have you.

Because the world needs a hundred, thousand, million more yous.

But in the meantime, just one of you will do.

No matter how much you fuck me up. TC mark

This is me letting you go

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for.

At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away.

We owe it to ourselves to live the greatest life that we’re capable of living, even if that means that we have to be alone for a very long time.

“Everyone could use a book like this at some point in their life.” – Heather
Let go now
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Read more books in 2018…

Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

Amazon: 4.8/5 stars
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