At some point or another, we all find ourselves caught up with someone who has one foot out the door. We drive ourselves crazy searching and prying for the right explanation as to why they aren’t willing to commit. Sometimes we settle on them just not being that into us – but that excuse doesn’t cover it all. And I think we all know that. There are an endless list of reasons why people falter and flake and freak out about dating someone new and a large portion of them have surprisingly little to do with who they’re dating.
There are an infinite number of reasons why we fail to commit to each other and many of them are purely self-involved: Feeling insecure, not over an ex, self-conscious about failure in a previous relationship, worried a partner will interfere with work – the list could stretch on forever. “Not that into you,” isn’t always at the forefront. It may not be the reason someone isn’t texting you back – but the truth is, none of the reasons matter. Because they all boil down to the same, universal truth: Whether or not they’re into you, that person doesn’t want to be with you. Not right now and maybe not ever. And is that really the kind of relationship you want?
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter why someone is flaking out on dates or leaving your texts unanswered – it only matters that they’re doing so. You’re after someone who is not reciprocating your affection and the reason behind his or her lack of involvement is irrelevant. They’re not who you want or need right now, because they aren’t able or willing to love you the way that you want to be loved.
The person who’s flaking on you isn’t the person you need because they aren’t in the headspace to be that person. And you cannot push them into getting there. You can’t persuade or bargain or manipulate someone into falling in love with you, no matter how much of a catch you are.
The truth about the person who’s right for you is that they won’t need to be chased. They won’t need to be bargained with. They won’t need to be given endless chances or have a thousand excuses made for them. An essential part of what makes them right for you is the fact that they’ll be ready. They’ll prioritize you. They’ll decide that whatever’s between you is strong enough and worthwhile enough to take a chance on. And that’s the kind of person you need – someone who’s fully on board for being with you. No matter what else stands in the way.
We have to stop looking at someone’s lack of interest to be a puzzle that needs to be solved. There are an infinite slew of reasons why someone may be ghosting you but none of them actually matter. They’re unavailable and it’s not your job to change that. At the end of the day, the fact that you’re chasing somebody who will not love you back says a lot more about you than it does about him or her.
We have to learn to love ourselves enough to walk away from the people who don’t give us anything to go on. If you’re going to barter or beg or appeal to somebody, appeal to yourself. Bargain with yourself. Give yourself ultimatums – choose people who are capable of loving you back, or get out of the game. Because going into it with the hope of changing someone means you have already lost.
Chasing unavailable people is an undeniable indication that you’re just not that into yourself. You’re not respecting your own wishes, your own needs, and your own expectations for who you want to be with. You’re ghosting your own chances at happiness. You’re flaking on what you really want.
The next time you go to make excuses for that person who just isn’t ready to be with you, recognize what you’re really doing – you’re making excuses for yourself. You’re excusing yourself from the life and the love and the relationship that you actually want – one where admiration flows freely between both parties. One where you don’t have to deliberate or wonder or try endlessly to make sense of someone’s mixed signals. One where the appreciation you give is returned to you in multitudes.
At the end of the day, the only person who is required to love and advocate for you is you. And until you’ve got that relationship down, it’s going to be tough trying to convince anyone else to stick around. We demonstrate the love we’ll accept through the love we show ourselves – and until we stop making excuses for ourselves, we’ll have a hard time getting others to stop doing so for us.