This is how it always starts off. Someone suggests doing a few shots at the bar for ‘old time’s sake’ and you’re like ‘NOPE.’ You swore off hard liquor years ago. You have a job now. You have to work in the morning. You’ll keep sipping your cocktail, thank you, like the dignified adult that you are.
2. Reluctant participation.
But it’s so-and-so’s birthday (Or promotion! Or graduation! Or bachelorette party!). If you don’t do a shot with the rest of the group you are basically the biggest asshole ever. So the glasses get lined up, the liquor gets poured and before you know it you are using lemons as a chaser like you’re nineteen years old all over again.
3. The stage where you can stop any time.
Okay so you’re four shots deep. And you know what you just remembered? That drinking is awesome! You can have a few more rounds – you deserve it! You work hard! You support yourself! You’re not a sloppy eighteen-year-old mess and it’s time you put hard liquor in its place.
4. Shots! Shots! Shots shots shots!
Guess what else you just remembered? That you’re a BALLER. The drinks are flowing, the music’s pumping and you are feeling fine. Why did you ever stop going out? Whose idea was that? You have so much hard-earned cash to blow! Next round is on you. And the next one! And the next!
5. SO MANY NEW FRIENDS.
Look at all these awesome new people you just met! Whoever said it’s hard to make friends as an adult was lying because you just found a new group of besties and they’re awesome. You’re not sure where your actual friends have gone but it doesn’t matter. You have a new group now and you’re totally all going for brunch tomorrow.
6. The stage where you become the sexiest person in the world.
You know who’s checking you out? EVERYBODY. Because you’re the hottest freaking person in the club. Why did you ever stop going out? You’re on fire. You could get with any person on the dance floor.
7. The drunken bathroom counseling session.
Remember when you were the drunk nineteen-year-old crying over their ex-boyfriend in the bathroom? Not anymore. Now you’re the wise, all-knowing mentor, helping your new bathroom bestie fix her mascara and assuring her that it gets better. You’ve like, been her. You know how it is. You think? It’s better now, right?
8. The stage where you second-guess EVERYTHING.
Guys? Problem. You just remembered that your life is going nowhere. NOWHERE. You’re twenty-three years old, you’re wearing a dress that barely covers your ass, you’re as single as you are broke and really you’re not sure how you got here in life. Should you have taken a more useful college degree? Should you have stayed with your boring ex-boyfriend? It’s of utmost importance that you find all your real friends ASAP and re-evaluate every choice you’ve made since high school.
9. The drunken heart-to-heart.
If you don’t end up crying over pizza with your best friend at 2am, did you really even do shots at all? It’s time to have a serious conversation about everything you’ve done with your life and what on earth you’re going to do next. Did you give up on your dreams? Did you give up on finding love? WHO ARE YOU AT TWENTY-THREE? Things feel realer than ever right now and all you know for sure is that your best friend CAN NEVER LEAVE YOU EVER. She’s the only person you don’t hate. Including yourself.
10. The perfectly reasonable bedtime.
Okay so it’s 3am and you have to get up in four hours for work. But you know what? You’ve got this. You set your alarm hours before. You took regular water breaks throughout the night. You even worked a little late yesterday so you could sleep in a little more tomorrow. Even drunk you has to admit that you kind of have your shit together after all. The night ends firmly and fairly with an undeniable score of: