Sometimes Date Rape Looks Just Like A Date
By Heidi Lynn
I was 26 year-old college graduate with a big-girl job and a place to myself. I had just gotten out of a relationship that I had been in through college, for the better part of the last 7 years. I felt like I had wasted my 20s, and I was determined to make up for lost time. I stayed out until 2 AM every weekend and sometimes during the week, before dragging myself to work at 9. I made profiles on two different dating sites, and went on too many dates to count. I had what I called a “one night stand,” but was corrected by my friends, who reminded me that going out with someone multiple times doesn’t count as a one night stand. Still, I felt liberated and powerful and worldly.
Most of the profiles on both dating sites were pretty generic. I was getting frustrated because, although I was going on dates, I wasn’t finding anyone that I really liked. I’m a feminist who didn’t have much experience dating, so I considered the possibility that I might be judging these guys before giving them a fair chance. Adam*’s profile made me laugh and his picture reminded me a little of John Mayer. We emailed briefly before exchanging phone numbers, and started texting. He was intelligent and seemed like an all-around good guy. I had a rule that I would meet a guy from the internet during the day before committing to an evening date. Adam lived about an hour away from me, and one day he called and asked me to lunch at a restaurant that he knew of about halfway between.
The day of our date, Adam called to tell me that he had made a mistake, and that the restaurant that he wanted to take me to didn’t open until 5. He asked if I would still be willing to go, and I was a little hesitant, but decided that wasn’t too late and said sure. We met at a restaurant that I had never heard of, in a town that I was unfamiliar with. I should have been suspicious, but I wasn’t. I was surprised when I looked at the menu; the restaurant was very expensive, and I immediately felt a little uneasy. What kind of guy takes a girl he’s never met to a place this expensive? He talked a lot about himself, telling me about his job me how he worked his way up. I should have realized then that he was a narcissist. He told me about his family in California, and when I told him that I worked with kids with special needs, he revealed that his brother has special needs.
I should have known that he was manipulating me.
After dinner, we stood on the sidewalk talking for a while, when suddenly, he leaned in. I was caught off guard and backed away, but he pulled me forward by the front of my coat and kissed me. Although he had physically prevented me from getting away, I told myself that if I had really wanted to, I could have resisted. I told him that he had surprised me, and asked why he did that, to which he simply replied “Because I wanted to.” I should have seen then that he didn’t care what I wanted. He said that there was some live music that night at a bar near where I lived, and asked if I would like to go see it with him. I didn’t have any plans and decided to give him a chance. I said that I would go, but half-jokingly warned that I wasn’t going to sleep with him.
I should have kept my mouth shut.
Since where we were going was close to where I lived, I agreed to take my car home and let him drive. I shouldn’t have let him see where I lived. We went to a bar that I have been to a few times, and I saw some people that I knew. We played pool and he bought me a drink, then suggested we go to see if the music had started at the other bar yet. I should have remembered that I told him on the phone that I had never been to that bar before. When we got there, I looked around to see if there was anyone I knew, and realized there wasn’t. Adam immediately bought me another vodka-cranberry, and I began to feel tipsy.
I shouldn’t have been drinking liquor.
After talking, I realized that I really wasn’t attracted to Adam. He was arrogant and just not very interesting. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back he had bought me another drink.
I should have realized that he wasn’t drinking.
I told him that I couldn’t drink any more, but he continued to buy me drinks. I should have been able to leave a full drink untouched. I couldn’t see straight. We ventured out onto the patio, where Adam shook hands and introduced himself like he was running for Congress. He said things like “This girl,” (motioning to me) “is great at remembering names!”
I should have realized that, to these people, he seemed like my boyfriend. I was so drunk he had to help me to the next bar.
I saw some people that I knew at the next bar, but that’s all that I remember. I woke up the next day in my own bed, naked, with no pillow and no blanket. Adam was sleeping beside me, but I couldn’t remember how we had gotten there. I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk.
When he woke up, Adam told me that he had driven us back, and that I’d asked him to come in. He said that I was all over him. I wasn’t attracted to him, I didn’t want to sleep with him… but could I have changed my mind? I didn’t remember. I’m allergic to latex, so I always use my own condoms. I felt a burning that told me that he had used a condom, but not one of mine. I kept saying “I never thought I was the kind of girl to have sex on the first date,” and I could tell that Adam was getting annoyed. I was a strong, independent woman, not the kind of woman that gets taken advantage of. It was impossible; I must have changed my mind. I must have allowed it. I shouldn’t have allowed it.
It felt like it was somehow my own fault.