Creeping your significant other’s ex’s Instagram account is a normal, healthy part of a modern relationship. But sometimes, you can’t stay up until 2 in the morning going through his ex-girlfriend’s photos from four years ago. It’s not because you don’t want to, it’s because you’re physically incapable. Because that bitch put her settings to private, like the monster you always knew she was.
Despite this perversion, you can remain as cool and collected as #cucumber. Here’s how to not lose your shit when you encounter “This account is private” and that stupid little lock photo.
Take a deep breath and center yourself. Do not flip out. Even if you want to. If you through a shit fit in front of your boyfriend over this, he’s going to think you’re being petty. You’re 100% not. This is important. This is Instagram. How else are you going to know if she still has up photos of them when they were together up? By hiring Russian hackers to break into her phone? It’s a fun idea, but it’s expensive. So, count to five, and then count to five again. And again. And again.
Be the Better Person
She can stalk you, but you can’t stalk her? Guess what, you win. Because now you’re not going to obsess over what kind of shit she’s posting and whether or not your boyfriend is liking her posts. That’s what she’s going to do to you, at least that’s what you imagine anyways. You have the upper hand. Sure, it’s eating you alive that you can’t see her post history, but at least that’s better than obsessing. You. Still. Win.
Know You Will Get Through This
Your relationship has gone through bigger challenges, maybe. You will get through this. And this will bring you closer to your man. Probably. You’re united against a common enemy and towards a common goal. Kind of. It’ll bond you more than fighting a bear in the wilderness together. Almost. If fighting a bear in the wilderness together is just you trash talking the bear so that he won’t want to get back together with the bear, then yeah, it’s exactly the same.
Know There Might be a Reason for It
Before you ask yourself what kind of sociopath would set their Instagram account to private, know that she probably has a reason for doing it. She could be in a mild form of the witness protection program that only extends to social media accounts. You don’t know, because she conveniently also set all of her Facebook settings to “Friends only.”
Remember You Can Always Steal His Phone
You can always take your boyfriend’s phone and use his thumb to unlock it when he’s fast asleep. Wait until he’s hit stage four of his sleep cycle. His rapidly moving eyes aren’t going to see anything. If you put your mind to it, you can get around every obstacle, no Russian hackers needed! So, eat it, Jennifer!