To find a lover is easy. To find a person who brushes the nape of your neck with his lips so sweetly, hitting just the right spot, his fingertips grazing over all the places that drive you wild – that is simple. To find someone who wishes to please you, who can show you what pleases him, this is effortless. Our minds can sometimes get in the way, for minds are good at coming up with insecurities and all the reasons why something cannot be. Spend enough time living in Los Angeles by yourself, and you will understand. Enough nights, enough wine, enough playful and willing people who are looking for an escape, too – you will see. It is easy.
To find a friend is easy. To find a person who thinks like you, who laughs at the things you find funny, who goes to faraway places with you – that is simple. To find someone who wishes to know you, who shares of himself equally, this is effortless. Those who believe themselves impossible to befriend often spend a lot of time alone, outside environments that are conducive to meeting friends. They prove themselves correct, not by inadequacy or social flaws, but by their own choices. Spend enough time making a true effort at finding friends, going to places you are inspired to go, and you will see. It is easy.
To find a romantic partner is easy. To find a person who is a combination of friend and lover, who will be there for you, who lays next to you at night – that is simple. To find someone who wishes to know you and be with you most of the time, this is effortless. If a romantic relationship dissolves, it is also easy to move on to the next person who can keep the bed warm, who can be reliable and kind, who will show you off to his family and friends. Not all of them set your soul alight, but perhaps your biggest requirement is to not be alone. This is easy to accomplish. Spend enough time meeting people who are motivated by loneliness (mistakenly thinking that it is because they are alone that they are lonely), and you will never be alone again, though you may wish to be.
To find a person who shares your soul signature, who sets your body and spirit alight, this is difficult. To find a person who is a piece of home to you, who is your perfect mirror and companion, who is capable of being content with and without you, who needs not your entertainment or reassurance, who wishes to grow with you, this is perhaps the rarest thing in the world. It is rarer still to be with this person in the capacity that you wish, although perhaps it is not impossible. When you meet him, perhaps he will not be able to be with you, or he will be afraid of that, and perhaps he will show you that you are insignificant to him. Believe him, even if your soul tells you it is not true, even if his body language does not match his words.
Believe him, not for him, but for you. Because the “what if” will gnaw at your soul until it is skeletal. Because you will drown in your own sea of hopelessness, and no one will pull you from its depths because they will believe, from the way you threw yourself in, that you wanted to drown. Because you will look for validation and turn your frustration upon yourself when he does not give it to you. You will do this until there is none of you left, and you will cry for him to help you find the pieces of you, and he will not answer.
Forgive yourself when you go for what is easy because you are tired. Forgive yourself when you grow bored with what is easy, when it does not seem like enough, because it isn’t. Not for you. Forgive the people who think you should be grateful for what comes easily to you. Forgive the divinity inside you for coming here, to a place where we rarely speak of the things we think of the most. A place where we share our feelings only when someone dies. A place where truth is measured by our reluctance to speak it. A place where hate is the norm. A place where we have become too tired to love from our core.
A place where we choose easy because our hearts are too broken for anything else.