1. The Bat

This dick is so big, TOO big, even for people who love a nice big dick. A bat dick is fat and moderately to extremely long, and when faced with the reality of this dick you either feel joy or a sense of impending doom, like “Oh god what am I doing.” Your guy probably either feels really confident about his bat dick or he’s really self-conscious about it and public boners are a real source of anxiety/embarrassment for him. Most importantly, guys with bat dicks need to know what to do with them.

2. The Boomerang

You’re making out with a hot new guy and everything’s going well and then you get down to his dick and…wait what? It curves to the side or has some other type of irregular positioning and you start to wonder whether sex is even feasible with this type of dick. But luckily your guy has lived with this dick all his life, and if he knows what he’s doing he can work with his angles and make it feel amazing.

3. The Late Bloomer

A late bloomer is the kind of dick you pull out and it looks small, like really small, and you’re like thinking that this is going to be the worst sex ever. Then he gets harder. And it grows bigger. And bigger. And bigger. And then you have a full slab of meat in your hands or in your mouth or wherever you are putting it.

4. The Guy You Can’t Believe Is So Huge

There are all sorts of ways people try to guess whether a guy is going to be hung or not: shoe size, hand size, height, the length of his fingers. But the reality is that you can never know how big a guy’s dick is until you see it for real. Photographic evidence can be doctored, so don’t trust it. It’s one of the surprises I love most when I’m about to sleep with someone new: reaching my hand down there to feel what he’s got to work with.

5. Eew Dick

I think there’s a thing going around where some guys don’t wash their dicks, or they don’t wash them all the way, or I don’t even know. There is no excuse for a dick that makes you go Eew. NONE.

6. A Hooded Dick

This guy has so much freaking foreskin that it’s all a lot to handle. The hardest thing about uncircumcised dicks is that most guys in America are cut, so the odds are that most of the dicks you’ll play with in your lifetime are going to be cut. Every guy likes something different done to his thing, but I always feel weird when faced with an uncircumcised dick, like I don’t really know what to do with it. Am I supposed to play with the skin? Do I pull it all the way back?

7. A REALLY Sensitive Dick

Like I haven’t even taken my panties off yet and you already creamed your pants?

8. A Mood Stabilizing Dick

You’re into some guy and he tells you that while he’s really into you he’s got some mood issues and because of the Zoloft, well, he might not have a sex drive for a while / his penis might actually just go limp at any moment during sexual congress. OH OKAY.

9. A Dick That Is Shorter And Fatter Than It Is Long

What even is this?

10. A Small-To-Average Dick That Works You Like No One Else, Ever

This is the best kind of dick actually, because it’s small and you think the sex isn’t going to be good BUT OH MY GOD he takes care of you like no other guy you’ve ever been with ever has. Just goes to show you it doesn’t matter how big or small you are. What matters is how you work what you’ve got and how you adjust for your shortcomings.