1. Magazine covers with women who have been Photoshopped to death — literally. That shit pisses me off. Do you know how many people work on a photoshoot to create “the perfect woman”? Newsflash: the women in the ads are. not. real. I don’t understand why we can’t have real images of real women in fashion ad campaigns and on the covers of magazines. And I work at a well-known international fashion magazine, so I have first hand knowledge about how the conversations about body image goes.
2. I love Beyoncé, but we don’t need her stepping in all the time acting like a world champion for feminist issues and what have you. Like if I want to learn more about feminism I’m not going to read a Beyoncé interview is all I’m saying.
3. We don’t need other people’s god damned opinions. My vagina does not prevent me from thinking for myself, thank you.
4. We don’t need men to take care of us. I can pay, I can open doors, I can fend for myself.
5. The latest trends from all the world’s catwalks. No, girl. It’s a trap!!! Following trends isn’t the way to be fabulous. Staying true to who you are is.
6. Maybe I’m alone here but I really don’t need any surprise dick pics. Do I like a dick pic? Of course. But guys, you don’t know the status of my phone or who’s looking at it or where I am when you text me that dick pic. The last thing I want is to have my phone on my desk during an important meeting and you text me a giant-ass dick pic.
7. Can we stop obsessing over how our boyfriends see us? Worrying so much will drive you crazy. You have to put your face on, shave your legs, shave your arm pits, etc. Caring about your appearance is one thing, but you should do it for you, not for the pleasure of your boyfriend. If he doesn’t like something on your body, a) ditch him b) tell him tough c) make a compromise with him. If you do something to your body, well so must he. Like maybe he has HORRIBLE feet that you can’t stand. Make him get his feet together before you do anything to your body!!!
8. We don’t need validation from men — or women, for that matter. Love yourself as you are. Let’s stop worrying about why David/etc didn’t text you back or why that guy you hooked up with two days ago hasn’t called. Their loss.
9. You don’t need to apologize for your sexual preferences, whether you’re bisexual, gay, straight, or something more fluid. And you certainly don’t need to apologize for your sexual proclivities…all those kinky things you like that only a select few guys (girls) get to know about first hand.
10. If you hate blow jobs, stop fucking giving blow jobs lol. Don’t apologize for eating too much or for not wanting to have children, and definitely don’t be afraid to say what you want. Men make stupid demands of us all the time, but that doesn’t mean you have to sit idly by and do what they ask.
11. Don’t be embarrassed about sounds your body makes. Guys belch and fart all the time, and then they laugh when they do it. Why? BECAUSE HE IS HUMAN. And duh, so are you beb.
12. This one’s tough, but don’t worry about being single. I know, I know: society teaches us that nobody wants to be single. But some people are perfectly fine being single, fucking who they want, coming home when they want, going where they please. But just please don’t turn your life into the search for “a man.” You’ll meet him eventually. And if you don’t? So what?
13. We don’t need to worry about having too small breasts, too big breasts, or being too fat or any other kind of body shaming. If you want to improve yourself go for it, but only do it because you want to.
14. We don’t need to support other women just because they’re women.
15. Feminist think pieces.
16. We don’t need to compete with other women. Compete with yourself.
17. No, we are not “a gay man in a women’s body.” We are women in a woman’s bodies.
18. We definitely don’t need to be cat-called, fellas. We know we woke up like this, so a simple compliment will be plenty. No need to shout at us like you have lost your mind.
19. Misogyny. When I was writing this piece I typed “flat tire” in a stock photo engine, and all the pictures that came back were of quizzical-looking women wearing high-heels on cellphones kneeling in front of flat tires. HEY SOCIETY, THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE FLAT TIRES, TOO.
20. Can we please stop faking orgasms to please our men? I mean think about it: why on earth would you give a gold, orgasmy star to a guy who’s doing a half-assed job in the bed room? Girl, make him work for that O-face!