1. His face makes you angry. The mere mention of his name drives you mad. He spent all of those years hurting you emotionally and sometimes physically. You hate him. And, you have every right to.
2. You don’t like thinking about your childhood. Because you were always told that you weren’t good enough, or were failing at something, your childhood makes you sad. And you are tired of being sad.
3. You now have great fears of alcohol. Watching someone who claims to love you drink alcohol fills you with fear, and you’re going to be scared of it, for a long, long time.
4. You didn’t realize your childhood was that bad…until you tell a friend some of the things that happened and realize how shitty your life really was.
5. Confrontation with him, or the idea of it, makes your blood boil, and your stomach drop. All of the things you never got a chance to say to him while he was reminding you that you are nothing, and would never amount to anything, come up during an argument, and you can’t even speak correctly with how angry you are.
6. You can’t even find the words to say to make this person, this man who considered himself your “father figure” for years, has the ability to make the words disappear and remind you that you are always beneath him.
7. It makes you wonder if you’ll always be this way. Timid, angry, sad, written off, in a way no one can understand except for you.
8. When people tell you that some of your life sounds horrible, you always come back with “hey, now, it wasn’t that bad. I had cable tv, internet, a phone in my room, and a dvd player.” Which is the sentence he used to scream at you to remind you that all you have is because of him, and he can take it away at anytime.
9. You look at normal families weird. You meet someone who said their fathers always encouraged them, took them on special father-daughter trips, and shared their wisdom with them. What’s that like? You wonder. You tell them, oh wow. All my step-father gave me was a fear of rum, a lifelong issue with anxiety, suicidal thoughts throughout your teenage years, and a statement you will remember forever – “you’re worthless.”
10. You hate pity. Yes, your childhood sucked. Bad. But, you are alive. You made it through, and you’re confused as hell as to how much that life has affected you now. But, did you hear that? You’re alive. You’re trying to work through it, and you’re doing a great job. A really great job. All we can do is try, and you’re doing exactly that.