It’s been three years since you first told me you love me. You whispered those three words like a prayer and I took it in, with my eyes closed, like it was a blessing. “I love you too,” I said, but heck, I loved you more. We hugged and I remembered feeling scared after I told myself that I might never love that way again.
And I was right because three years later I now know that I will never indeed love that way again because that way of loving destroyed me and everything I believed in before I met you.
I used to tell my friends that you were my greatest love and this is my way of taking it back, my way of telling them that I was wrong. I was wrong just like I was wrong for fighting for you, for putting everything aside for you, for loving you. You weren’t worth all of it.
You see, there was a point in my life where I thought I cannot live the rest of my life without you but now, I couldn’t even feel a thing every time I hear your name.
It frightens me to discover that it is possible to un-love someone whom you thought was your forever.
And that was your effect on me, you frightened me. I wasn’t supposed to. And if that love was so great, it shouldn’t have frightened me. It should have made me happy, safe, and assured.
But since it wasn’t, it made me lost my mind and out of my wits in a very bad way. And I do not want any of it anymore.
I will no longer allow you to affect my life. As much as I would want to completely erase you from my memory, I cannot do that. I guess I just have to deal with the fact that you will always be a part of me and trust that you will slowly wither and fade by the best healer: time.
I told myself that the day that I can finally write about you without crying is the day that I finally emancipate myself from all the pain and traumas you gave me. That day is today.
You are not my greatest love. I do not know how to label it anymore but this I know, your love is the kind that I do not want anymore. Your love is the kind that doesn’t deserve a second chance. Your love is the kind that I refuse to look back.
But make no mistake, I do not hate you. Well at least not anymore. And you not being deserving of all of my love and sacrifices doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you the wrong person for me.
You are not my greatest love. You are just my lesson learned.