I know you love him and lately, he is all you can think of. You can’t think straight because he’s just around the corner of your messed-up brain, lurking and ready to pop anytime he wants to. He has taken over pretty much everything that goes on with your life, and you secretly like it.
But you won’t admit it because admitting it is like surrendering to the secret little war you’ve created. The first one to fall is the loser, and the world knows what happens to losers. They get buried deep into the mud and they get stepped on.
Honey, you fell first. And that is why you’re hurting.
You’re hurting because you fell alone and he left you right after the knock-out bell rang without even bothering to help you recover. And why would he even bother? War is war and it takes no prisoners. The ground rules have been laid out since day one. And this war is love, and it is mostly bloody and ugly.
But love is a different kind of war. It makes injured people numb to the pain. It makes people think they’re strong. It makes people strong. But most of all, it makes smart people go dumb that they go out of their way to get that elusive and requited love.
That is exactly what you are doing and that is okay.
To love someone with all of you in spite the uncertainty and the visible air of rejection, that is heroically beautiful.
But it is also okay to stop and let go of that terrible feeling you’ve managed to call love. It is okay to admit that you are just not the right soldier for this kind of battle, at least not for now. It is okay to realize that maybe you’ve been losing the battle because all along you’ve been fighting for the wrong side, that maybe you’ve been unconsciously fighting against and not for yourself.
And sometimes, people make those mistakes that’s why they lose battles but they don’t give up. They get up on their feet and give time to heal. Trust that the same will happen to you, the same will happen to every one of us if we decide to save ourselves from a lost cause.
So raise that white flag and lose this battle for your own sake, and believe that you will survive.
You will lose this battle but not this war.