You were really close friends in the beginning because everything just clicked. You were there for her and she was there for you. Slowly the differences start to appear. Somehow you changed and she changed. By change I mean differences in value system, in belief system, in personality, in character, in behaviour, in thinking. In all the ways that actually matters.
You drift apart, even though you still hang out with the same group of people occasionally. You lead different lives. You cant stand the way she thinks and lives her life. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with her. Maybe there’s many other people who are like her. But that person isn’t you. You are different. You don’t like and even despise that category. But you can’t help wonder why those people have it better. Maybe you have some reasons like confidence and false confidence leads to better life outcomes and all that kind of crap. To a certain it is true of course. But you don’t accept it. Because it’s not fucking fair.
You still can talk to her and to a certain extent enjoy the conversations. The thing that binds you together in the first place still has some remnants in your relationship. That sense of closeness and bond that was one forged. That is now gone.
Sometimes you feel that things shouldn’t have ended like this. It should have been different. But the more you think about it, the more you observe, you realize this is in fact the logical way of how things will turn out.
Because some differences are meant to drive people apart. For you to lead a better life.
But you are petty and self-centered to a certain extent. You feel horrible when life is unfair, when life is treating her good and yours is just average. Isn’t it normal to feel this way? Is it wrong to feel this way? If this is wrong, then how is it right that she gets things her way? It makes no fucking sense.
But you can’t help comparing lives and successes and failures. You can’t help feeling jealous and envious. You can’t help being a little bitch.
But nobody else feels the pain you felt, through all the years of being looked down upon. Not getting recognition from them. Not getting any genuine concern and compliment. Never hearing them mean it or say it or even think about it, that they are jealous of you. That they think you are worthy of comparison. That you are a friend that they can freely say they are happy for you and mean it. That makes you feel cherished and and in a world where people are nice and genuine.
Why doesn’t anybody sympathise and knows where am I coming from? Why doesn’t anybody understand that I need the same recognition that she gets from the whole fucking world? The world that is at her disposal; the world that doesn’t care about my existence.